We can't control other people. I can accept that there are a lot of hidden agendas going on beneath apparently calm conversations. That's human. Managing people who I employ while managing myself means to me recognising that there is relational mess and there is the need to co-operate, and knowing when the moment is right to co-operate. If there is no co-operation then get rid of them.

It's an awareness that I work with. Sometimes give in so as to co-operate, sometimes the other person has to give in.

But underneath that awareness is aaaaargh, can't you cut me some slack and just do what I ask with a sense of good will for once! That's a control move on my part. I get to define what is "good" will. Please mum, do what I need. Please care.

So I have to keep an inner smile in place at how silly I am, and how silly human beings are - stop taking it so intensely.

But.... I have a ruthless side in me which says that in order to achieve what I want I need to force myself onwards when I'm sick or not ok. The control-emote conflict inside of me. And then I want to force others onwards when they are sick or not ok.

It's exhausting: this need for "good" in people coming from different internal realities!