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Originally Posted by Angie84
Are you sure you're not my psychologist?? Lol. That's exactly what she says. Viktor is very controlling, and some what of a bully and I need to be able to find the courage to stand up to him. I've recently come out of quite a controlling relationship, and having controlling people in my life has been a constant since a young age and so a need for someone for me to 'obey' has developed and I think that's why I'm scared and feel unable to deal with things just now. I guess it's probably why Viktor is so strong just now.
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Nope. Definitely not a psychologist. I've just struggled for a really long time. You've identified something so important. You are "used to" having controlling people in your life. Perhaps Viktor is one of them. So there is a bit of a push-pull battle inside. It's very common for us humans to become attached to a certain type of pain or treatment. Then the subsequent shame or fear or guilt that comes along with feeling powerless over it. It's a cycle.
I was somewhat shocked to learn recently that I have become my own bully. And my own mommy dearest. My T asked me what their "purpose" was and I am very annoyed by that question still, as I don't quite understand it yet or see how there is ANY positive purpose. And I say something like, "they're purpose is to destroy me" or to "take me down, keep me struggling." A giant battle within my own self.
I have not yet come to an understanding of how these roles have helped me survive. At this point, I am still in a place where I want them annihilated. I see no loving "purpose." But I know that this may change over time...as I begin to understand the bigger picture.
I may be totally wrong, but it seems that something in you wants you to heal, and live and survive. Hang on to that.
FearLess47