I appreciate your honesty and opinion. I agree that it’s very important for me to find ways to not let this happen again, and I am working hard to own my part (which is difficult because of how ashamed I feel). Again, I’m not trying to use shame as a “scapegoat,” I am just really trying to balance owning my responsibility as well as having compassion for myself for the reasons why I did it. Due to many factors, I do not imagine this happening with anyone else. Ex T made mistakes too, and the dynamic was difficult and confusing and very overwhelming most of the time. I am not blaming her, but I also don’t see me doing this with just any therapist out there who shows me kindness. I have become much stronger since I met Ex T, but she still had a grip on me due to how close we had gotten.

I appreciate your point about reconsidering ever contacting her again. I thought maybe after enough time had passed and depending on what I write in the letter, she would feel okay with that. If ever get to a place (which I sure hope I do) where I can write her from a solid place without any attachment or obsession, that is the only way I’ll let myself reach out. Deep down, my wish would be that ongoing contact would not be perceived as harrasssment. She stated before that she still gets letters from former clients, and granted they probably ended on a much more positive and appropriate note, I still hoped maybe I’d still have a chance to repair some of the “damage” by waiting a long time and working on myself thoroughly in the meantime. It does hurt to hear that my past mistakes will forever be on her radar, but I understand she has her own feelings and boundaries around trust too. And I think that scares me as well - knowing that any form of contact from her ex obsessive client could be perceived as a threat. I just feel really sad about it all.