I've sat outside in the dark and cried too. Many times. You have to do what you have to do to deal with it. Sometimes I just want to run away from it all and never go home. It's been harder lately since I feel more restricted in my freedom. Just leaving for a while upsets and worries my family so much, and it's really hard to sneak away. And I feel guilty for sneaking around and lying.

I feel like the self harm is a pressure relief valve and that it externalizes the emotional pain somewhat. Like I put it on my body instead of having to hold it inside. Does that make any sense? I don't know how to say it.

If you can talk to someone, I'd definitely recommend it. My mom is the one I go to as well. I hate feeling like I'm putting a burden on her but she freaks out about it less than other people in my life. I put it off as a last resort.