Hello, I am a malignant Narcissist myself (also the more rarely seen female Narcissist) and quite self-aware. Perhaps I can assist you as far as how narcissists "operate". Your ex certainly does sound like a Narcissist, him pulling all of this low quality gaslighting and middle school logic right before you're getting married to someone who is obviously far better for you and actually loves you does sound like typical narcissistic behavior.
What makes you say he's a malignant Narcissist? (You don’t have to answer that, I’m simply curious.)
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Originally Posted by golden_eve
I am about to be married in a little over a week.
Me and my fiance ran into my ex last night, whom I've determined is a narcissist.
Well, my fiance talked to him for a while, just the two of them.
My ex confessed to my fiance that he had lied to me about something that was very important to me while we were together. My fiance doesn't hide things from me, and let me know. I've been fuming all day about it after hearing this. I feel like I just learned that my ex had cheated on me.
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What a piece of ****, honestly. I'm glad your fiance is so open with you and just told you the truth. It's clear to me that you've been lied to more than enough.
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Also last night my ex wanted to talk to me about our past relationship, which has been over for over two years. telling me that he would have gone to counseling with me and that he had been having nostalgia over us recently. He even said he wants to share a recording with me of a session he had with a spiritial medium who mentioned me and told him I am very special and that he should remain close to me.
He says all this and he knows we're getting married in a week!
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I'm laughing, not at you, but at your ex and his ridiculous antics. This is just so absurd to me. "A spiritual medium", yeah, don't fall for that one. Just, lol... He's trying way too hard and failing miserably. This is his last (desperate) attempt to "win you back" so to speak.
He wants to exploit you yet again, I'm sure you know about the term "Narcissistic supply"? That's what this is about on a basic fundamental level.
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Well, a gf just pointed out to me that instead of focusing on US and our upcoming marriage and happiness, he turned everything around to be all about HIM, even if it was something negative about himself (confessing that he lied).
I just feel all of his toxicity all over again seeping into my soul. I don't want to feel this way. I was done with him. He was very toxic for me in our relationship.
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Your friend is factually correct.
His "confession" is a (pathetic) ploy to gaslight you into convincing you that he's "changed" for the better somehow. I promise you that he most certainly has not. As your friend astutely pointed out, he is making it all about him as per usual. It is not about you because of the obvious as you and I both know: he is a Narcissist! Of course it's inevitably always going to be about him. You're his target for Narcissistic supply. Screw that.
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Important to note: the only reason why I even talk to my ex now is because I run into him very frequently in my social circle. We didn't talk for a whole year after breaking up, then his mother died and he reached out to me for support. We became friendlier again after that, but I was always wary of him given how he had treated me within the relationship.
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I know it must be difficult when he's in the same social circles as you are. That’s always rough. Being wary is a good thing. He obviously treated you terribly. It’s always difficult to get a Narcissist out of your life completely, they really have a way of manipulating, lying, and gaslighting their way back into your life in some way or another. It’s hard to make a clean break from them.
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That being said, I want to let this incident go and focus on my own happiness right now, but it's eating me up at the moment. I just feel so icky!!!!! And poisoned by his toxic ways. I will not be talking to him again and I will now distance myself again from him.
Does anyone have any words of wisdom to share about narcs and how they operate? I want to feel better so I can just let it go. I do tend to ruminate when bad things happen (as well). I have a hard time letting go.
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This makes me think of the song called Poison by Alice Cooper (though a lady named Tarja did a fascinating cover of the song, which I liked because well a female vocalist is more suitable if you’ve been victimized by a man now isn’t it?)
It sounds like he’s trying to rain on your parade so to speak, plain and simple. As a malignant Narcissist myself? Narcissists, *especially* malignant Narcissists, feed off of their victims’ torment.
However, having said all of this? It’s okay to give yourself some time to just feel icky about the whole thing. It’s obvious he caused you a lot of pain. Just don’t let him see you suffer, because that’s what he wants, malignant Narcissists feed off of fear as well as admiration as a means of gaining narcissistic supply.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. It takes time to heal.
I know, why would I bother trying to be helpful? Well, why not? I have nothing to gain by screwing someone over on the internet, and I also have zero need to destroy everyone I encounter. I have enough self-awareness to understand that it’s simply not very smart to destroy everyone I meet. Self-awareness is my curse that I have to live with so I may as well use it to be of some benefit to others, and I’ve accepted that that’s likely the only “good” I’m capable of doing.