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Originally Posted by ElectricManatee
I wonder how that fits in with his thing about not believing in unconditional positive regard or unconditional love. These are things I think about a lot because I don't understand what they mean.
Paradoxically, when I can accept certain things about myself, they become much easier to change. I think that's an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy concept.
Side note, my parents did the EXACT same thing when they took me to a psychologist as a teenager. I had always thought that was out of character because it didn't square with their general neglect/disregard of me, but you're exactly right that it was not out of compassion or understanding but because they flat-out didn't know what else to do.
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That's an interesting question re: the UPR/unconditional love thing (good memory!) It really threw me the time he said he didn't have unconditional love for his son, that there are things he could do to change that for him. Because I guess I saw unconditional love as a thing that happened when you became a parent. And I guess it's a thing I craved...so then if T is saying he doesn't even believe in that for his own kid. It's hard to reconcile that.
Today, he was trying to explain the thing about forgiving my mom as tied in to forgiving myself. But I guess to me, it felt in a way like, if I forgive my mom, does that just let her off the hook for things? I was asking him how grieving what I didn't get in childhood tied into all that. Can I grieve things without forgiving her, say? Do I have to do it all together? He said it's all connected. That if I let her off the hook, I let myself off it, too. But I don't know? In a way, it feels like if I forgive her...then it's me who was the issue. But I don't know how to explain that to him.
I think...I suspect this is a transference thing. But part of me wants him to be like, "Your mom sucked, she screwed up, she should have loved you as you are, she doesn't deserve your forgiveness." Instead of "Maybe forgiving her because she had anxiety herself will help you."
And thanks for sharing the thing from your teenage years--sorry you dealt with that, too. I didn't mention this again today, but...