Just looking for advice. I was on my second affair with the same married man. I fell in love the first time and had a hard time getting over it. It never officially ended but I know he found someone else. I went a year without seeing him and then we recently reconnected online a few months ago. I was so into him I was at the point where I didn't even care if he was married, I would take crumbs, and I knowingly started seeing him again knowing he was probably still seeing the other woman.

Anyhow recently I started getting repulsed by him without going in to detail. I never believed anything he said to me (the first time around I believed it) and I even started lying. I was almost pretending to be into him just to keep him around for when I wanted him. A few weeks ago I logged into a cheating website and saw him on there but didn't tell him I saw him. Then a few days ago we were supposed to meet. I told him I didn't know if I could meet. Then he said "I think I'll survive without seeing you, but barely!" So I replied back "well, thats good because you will never F$% me again!"

I immediately blocked him so I wouldn't be able to read any of his replies. then I went to to cheating site and send him a picture of me with my middle finger up. Then I erased everything! I even erased all the other men that I chat with from time to time.

Now, I am kind of regretting it. I always seem to blow up at people i hold things in and then I burst. This is exactly what happened the last time we had affair. I saw him online and flipped out and he made it look like I "always thinks he with others". I go back and forth. I am glad I did the ending and feel good about that. But part of me wants to apologize for my behavior.

I am glad we started seeing each other again. It actually helped me move on believe it or not. I see his true colors now. I still do like him and many things about him and that part hurts. If I do message him I can't bear to read what he might say back to me.
My goal was to keep this going just so I had someone I actually liked and had chemistry with to kiss. I am also very lonely.
I may feel better if at some point i say I am sorry about it but Idk what to do?