Hi Golden Eve
As far as I saw those questions were not answered to, yet.
Quote:
Originally Posted by golden_eve
I’m just curious to know though: WHY would he reveal to my fiancé that he had lied to me about not watching porn while we were together? He probably knew my fiancé would tell me this, so what was his purpose? To upsets me? To enrage me? All it did was make HIM look bad in my eyes. And lowered my opinion of him even further! Lol. So I don’t get his motives for doing that?
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Atypical_Disaster has had very good comments, for me, it's hard to believe that s/he is really narcisisstic as there is so much insight and understanding. Really Atypical! But no disaster. When you have insight in your mental condition, you can control it to some degree in learn and improve!
I've been living 17 years with a notorious liar, still sad fights in respect to our children ongoing. But I think I can answer those questions to you.
My wife, when there was no way around, or if she felt that "looking bad" might stirr up empathy, would admit lies, either by claiming she had Alzheimer and forgot what she did/said ("lie, but not intentional..."), or claiming she is the worst person on earth hurting everyone.
This, of course, is close to the truth, but sounds so exaggerated that the natural reaction is to say "no, you are a good person, every one does something wrong sometimes,,,"
So, admitting a lie, for a narcist and notorious liar is just to set up a field of more lies and make you feel sorry for him and start believing him again.
The central aspect of a notorious liar is that others believe him/her. Only by receiving trust s/he can trust him/herself, and if not otherwise possible, admiting a lie creates trust.
Now you believed him and that gave him energy and a path further to access your energy - through your partner!
Believe me, after 17 years I do not mange to NOT think a day about all the lies and abuse, the damages on my children, BUT all that is energy-loss!
NOTHING can be changed in the past, so the only thing that matters is your future.
Narcists can "attach" to empathic, caring people, who DISLIKE egoistic moves and "doing things just for oneself". But that is exactly what you must do:
completely FORGET about your ex and what he thinks, says or does, stop thinking what he did or said to you and might do and say in future.
Tell your future husband, to STOP ALL communication with the narcist as well, because through him, he can access your thoughts and life-time, and his as well. Male narcists suck energy from male and femal people alike just as female narcists do. If your ex can attach to your husband, he can get the engery of you both by making you think and talk about him!
You lost enough time and energy and you cannot help the narcist and liar, you can focus on your partner and your future comon life and projects and completely ignore your ex. Praise God he is EX!
You wrote: "That lowered my opinion of him even further". So your opinion was/is still too good. Lower it to ZERO, so nothing what he could possibly do could lower your opinion anymore, then you will not expect anything anymore and then you will have the good feeling to postpone any mental involvement with this matter for 10 years; in 10 years you will have so much distance that you will be able to safely recapitulate and understand what you do not well understand about your ex, now.
I wish you a happy life with your new partner, just as I wish myself a happy life with my "new" partner (OK, I'am with her since nearly 4 years, that's not really new, but for me it still feels like this)
David