Last night a scene in a movie me and my partner were watching set off my PTSD severely. First I cried but then I sat frozen, unable to move or talk for at least half an hour. Flashbacks were flooding me. Once I was able to talk a bit I was completely unable to talk to my partner about what was happening. He hugged me, drugged me, and sent me to bed as I simply couldn’t do anything. At least I slept.

Today I saw my T. I considered not telling him as I was wanting to avoid it. In the end it was clear I had to. My T asked many questions about my childhood trauma and the consequences. Plus the link between the Bipolar and PTSD. This revealed a lot and made some things make sense. I’ve never gone through this with him before as I’ve always been too unwell. Now it is hitting me hard, and it is not my choice. I cannot stop it.

I am in trouble. I want to run but how can I run from what my mind is downloading on me without my consent? I’m terrified it will only worsen and trigger my Bipolar. I was not ready for this. My T is very skilled and supportive, and I have other support around me thankfully. Still, who can stop my racing mind flooding me with flashbacks, and the times I disappear completely?

Sorry for the long post. I am being pushed over the edge.