T Monday. Went back and sat down. I said that initially something in his email from Friday bothered me, but I decided to sort of step back and reframe it. He said he didn't reread the email before session, so I pulled out the printed copy and read the relevant part out loud to him. Where he was questioning why I had assumed he was talking about how he was as a father, when he specifically didn't say that. He asked about that.

Me: "Well, I'm pretty sure you prefaced it with something like, 'The way I try to approach parenting is...' So to me, it sounded like you were talking about how you try to be as a father." T: "What I meant was that's how I approach it as a psychologist. But I see where you would think I meant how I personally approach parenting my son." Me: "Oh, OK. I mean, even if you hadn't said that, I think I would have ascribed some of that to you as a father because of the fact that I know you're a parent." T: "I do lots of family counseling, and often the first thing they'll ask me is, 'Do you have kids?' Because they want to know I've shared that experience, that I 'get it.'" Me: "Yes, there are some experiences that all parents share, like the newborn phase."

I said I knew that even if what he described was how he tried to parent, then it doesn't mean it happens that way in reality. Me: "I mean, maybe sometimes you yell at your son or you don't handle things as you'd want to." T: "Exactly. And I wouldn't tell someone that they should parent just like I do." Me: "Because it's specific to the child? Like, what works for your son might not work for my daughter? Or for me?" T: "Yes." Talked a little more about that.

I started telling him about my emotions Thursday after the session. How it just felt like it all hit me in the parking lot. Me: "And that night...OK, this is going to sound kind of melancholy--but I was lying there in the dark, listening to music through headphones and crying." T: "You haven't really told me what the actual emotions were." Me: "The best way I can describe them is 'longing.'" T: "Do you know what you were longing for?" Me: "I guess...something I didn't have? Something I'd missed out on in the past?"


Me: "I was just...intensely sad. I think maybe because it was about stuff from my past? Rather than something from the present, like if H had really upset me. But there was also this intense feeling of needing to connect with you. Like an overwhelming feeling. I think that was about the paternal transference stuff. From you talking about how a parent should be--well, and I'd thought you were talking about how you were as a father. I guess I felt sort of...I hesitate to use this phrase--but 'warm and fuzzy' toward you." I forget what he said to that.

We switched to talking about my mom. The details of this part are a bit hazy. I know T said: "I imagine you were a difficult child, with your anxiety and everything." Me: "I was under the impression I'd been an easy child, like I entertained myself, got good grades, followed rules." T: "I mean a difficult child to raise, especially for your mother to raise with her own anxiety issues." Me: "..."

T talked about how she must have struggled with parenting me. T: "One of my goals for you is that you can come to a place where you forgive her for that." Me: "I know, you've said that before. But I thought we were also trying to help me forgive myself? I feel that's more important." T: "I think forgiving your mom will help you forgive yourself." Me: "I don't know. Isn't that letting her off the hook for everything?" T: "No, just recognizing that it was hard for her too and she wasn't intentionally not meeting your needs." Me: "oh." He said how letting her off the hook would let me off the hook, too. I said I didn't fully understand how that worked. I also asked how grieving what I'd missed out on played into that. He said he saw forgiving my mom as a part of that process.

We talked about some related stuff. I saw we were just about at the end of session, and I broke down sobbing. Me: "I'm sorry. I know we have to stop in a minute." T: "What's going on?" Me: "I don't know. the session just seemed to go by so fast, and..." T: "That can happen sometimes. It seems like maybe you need something from me that I didn't give you?" Me: "I think maybe I just need to know that you're not weirded out by the transference stuff. Maybe I shouldn't ask you that, because then you might say it's 10% weird or something and then I'll feel worse." (I was referencing the stone thing, which I think he knew.) T: "I'm not weirded out at all. If I was, I would tell you." Me: "OK, good, I just get worried anytime I bring up transference stuff, because it seems to make you uncomfortable if it seems like anything is about you, but this isn't about [T's first name] or even Dr. T, it's more what you represent to me, the role you're playing for me right now, that you're the one sitting in front of me, someone I see as an authority figure, talking about parenting." T: "I know. And again, I'm not weirded out. I'm not sure that's really what you're looking for from me right now. I feel like you want something else." Me: "Yeah, maybe...I'm not sure what it is." T: "If you figure it out later, you can always reach out." Me: "OK."

Confirmed Thursday, scheduled for next week. As he went over to the computer to do my invoice, I recalled that he said he might need help remembering my new fee. Me: "150! For the fee!" T: "Got it." Me: "You're probably thinking, 'No, 1:25!" T: "What?" Me: "the current time, that it's 1:25, not 1:50. Uh, so I'm just going to stop talking." T laughed warmly, and I laughed, too. It made me feel connected in that moment. Paid. Shook hands as T said, "Have a good week--it's Monday, right?" Me: "Yes, Monday...I think." He laughed. T: "Take card of yourself." Me: "Thanks, you too."

Ended up texting him a couple hours later, asking if he had anything before Thursday. He said he had a Wed. morning. I pondered it for a bit, then he replied a little later saying he didn't want to pressure me, but someone else was also requesting the slot. I said let them have it, I'd just email. He said OK. So I emailed. Then wasn't sure how I felt about his (long, paid) reply the next morning. I replied saying I wasn't sure how to react to parts of it, if something magically opened up before Thursday, let me know. He replied a few hours later, saying the slot he'd originally offered Wed. was available again, as that client had to come in that day (Tuesday--I assume a crisis thing). So, seeing him at 11:30 today (and canceled Thursday).