Thanks for the various comments on forgiveness. I think a big issue for me is that I tend to put the blame on myself. Like, I was already thinking that I was a difficult child, that it was my fault for not being what my mother wanted me to be, so I feel in a way T saying that is just reinforcing those feelings. I'm not consumed with anger toward my parents. I feel I haven't even gotten to the anger step--not that I need to get there. But I guess I haven't fully gotten to the "It wasn't all my fault" step, even if T might think I have? Like I may have gotten there intellectually, but not emotionally. So to me, this feels like I go from blaming myself to forgiving my mom. I mean, I guess it could be seen as "It's nobody's fault, just a bad match." I'm wondering if it's acceptance I'd rather focus on vs. forgiveness. Maybe some could say those terms are interchangeable, but they mean quite different things to me.

I guess I feel like, I go through life being much harder on myself than I ever am on other people. I am more likely to let people off the hook, to forgive them their mistakes and shortcomings, to accept them as they are. To change and grow, I feel I need to at least somewhat change that pattern, particularly the blaming myself part. I'm not sure how well I'm phrasing this...

I think it also sort of feels like T is pushing his own agenda on me. Like, "This is the only path forward, forgiveness." (That's probably more clear in his email response, which I'll include at least in part--it's all very long.) Even in his setting goals for me--it's not like we set those goals together. In some ways,it feels like he's repeating patterns of my mom, thinking I should be a certain person and trying to mold me into that person, where my own path and end goal may need to be different.