Hey Wander, I am so sorry you are going through this. I can relate. I had something I was reaearching trigger my childhood memories and it caused PTSD and triggered a mixed episode. I can understand being fearful that walking through the memories will trigger an episode.

You are in a much more self aware state than I was. You have coping skills, professionals and people who love you to lean on. You've been battling with the PTSD for a while and you have never given up. I know it is so terribly hard, but you can do this. It is painful each time, but then it gets a little easier to process. You're deep within the painful part, but it will lift and get easier. Hold onto the faith that you're doing what you need to get healthier. Hold onto the faith that you are stronger than anything that has come your way as you have found your way out each time.