LT:

As I mentioned before, I see so much of myself in you. Thank you for being open about your feelings. I feel a lot of what you express, I am just not as open to expressing it to others. The fear of vulnerability is too great.

Remember when T described you as a "double dipper"? Someone who has a genetic susceptibility toward anxiety (nature) who is raised in an invalidating environment (nurture)? In this sense, biology loads the gun and environment pulls the trigger. When T says your mother may have found you difficult to raise, he's not blaming you for being a "bad child." He's saying that your mother, with her own issues with anxiety, was not equipped with the tools necessary to raise you in the way that you needed.

My mother was similar to your mom. I was born anxious and raised in an invalidating environment. I was angry at my mom for many years. It wasn't until now, after I had my own son and my own issues that impact my ability to raise MY son in the way that he needs, that I am able to understand that my mom is not to blame. She did the best that she could with what she had. My son has special needs of his own. He is difficult for me to raise, but not because he is a bad child - he is a "double dipper", in a way, born with a genetic susceptibility to anxiety raised by a mother who has issues of her own. There is no blame here, just the recognition that we are all human and doing the best that we can.

Thinking of blame in terms of belonging to either you or your mom is all-or-nothing thinking. It's more complicated than that.