Today was an ok day off. i slept better but then the day didnt start well since the family friends with their grandkids had come here to visit my parents. luckily they didnt see me (i ran back to my bedroom as soon as i heard their voices as if i had seen a ghost!) and they left quite early (after 30mins i had woken up). i saw them leave from the window and i felt a huge SADNESS mostly for my parents, because im a huge DISAPPOINTMENT to them and im sure we both feel also ENVY for the family friends. all of this because they have something i wont be able to give to my parents. i wont have a bf, a husband, a family with my own kids. i also probably wont live much longer (and i hope so).

the rest of the day was spent with my cat and tv series. my dad wasted (in his opinion) 5 mins of his time to help me with my bills to pay. there was nothing to do, just checking that everything was alright and we didnt even get to do that! i'll try again tomorrow.

tomorrow i'll be back to work. this week i'll see my friend on thurs (tomorrow) rather than friday because on friday i have my Home's anniversary. i dont feel like going there and celebrating the ritual but i cant not go and not doing it. on fri i'll also see my T and im curious to know what she thinks of my letter.

but i cant wait for sat night because i'll finally be free from this week, from my job, from the course and i'll have a day off again (not much, but better than nothing).

sometimes… often… i wonder how have i managed to live so long, how can i put up with daily life… every single day! sometimes… often… it feels too much and i cant wait for it all to be over with. i know i have the power to stop all of this whenever i want it, but even though it is easy, in some ways its not. why am i putting myself through this agony day after day? i wish quitting was easier than it is.