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Old May 01, 2019, 06:31 PM
Lrad123 Lrad123 is offline
Poohbah
 
Member Since: Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 1,332
I had a hard session today and ended up emailing to cancel my session tomorrow morning at 7:00 am. I’m afraid I’ll be crucified by some on PC who see this behavior as nonsensical or even disrespectful. For whatever it’s worth, I’m still paying for tomorrow’s session. I’m just really, genuinely trying to figure out why this is always my response to stressful therapy situations.

Today I brought up an incident from my youth that I’ve never shared with anyone. I don’t want to get into it here, but at first I talked about how I wasn’t sure I could talk about it with him and by the end of our session I had talked about it. There was quite a bit of silence in the middle though and I eventually decided to rip the bandaid off and tell him about the incident that was on my mind. It’s an incident that I’ve processed on my own and I think I was just wondering how it would feel to say it out loud to someone else even though it no longer feels like a huge deal to me. When I was driving home I felt angry at myself for being vulnerable because it felt like I had just had a feeble attempt at trying to say something to get his pity or reassurance. I felt like a big melodramatic baby. I work daily with people who have much more dire circumstances, so I felt embarrassed by whatever little mundane piece of info I had just shared with my T. So I sent him an email saying I was canceling my appointment for tomorrow morning. It’s the first appointment of the day and I didn’t want him to show up any earlier than he needed to since I wasn’t planning to be there.

I think what feels different with this cancellation is the realization that I’d like to go tomorrow but feel like I need to punish myself by not going to atone for being “too much” today. I don’t know what to do about that because I do genuinely feel that even though part of me might realize the logic is a bit off. I also feel a little hurt that he didn’t respond with a quick, “It’s ok. Please come in tomorrow and we’ll talk,” or something like that. He no longer responds to emails, but would that have been so hard? (I know, I know. Here we go with the emails again).

Anyway, I’m planning to be at the gym tomorrow morning instead of my therapy session. I’d welcome any insights into my crazy behavior.

Last edited by Lrad123; May 01, 2019 at 06:43 PM.
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