So even with this exciting time coming up where I am about to be done with education of any kind forever, of course, I start running out of gas as I do at the end of every semester, sometimes opening the way to undesirable thoughts.
One thought I keep entertaining is how worthless it seems for me to be nice, ie being thoughtful, generous with my time and resources, and going the extra mile to help others.
Although people have praised me a countless number of times for being even-tempered and pleasant to be around, in my experience people outside my close friends and family use my nature to step all over me and open the door to toxicity. When I try to be thoughtful to others, like wish them a happy birthday or encourage them through life's struggles, I just get ignored. Like one person (a former crush) who I wished happy birthday to and wanted to catch up with but didn't respond and at the same time rubbed in on SM how happy she was with her boyfriend of 3 years. Speaking of which I guess nice guys do finish last, with women always going for the more popular and handsome jocks. The guy who invented the phrase "Be Yourself" is a liar and a hypocrite. And more recently I've had this friend who's started to take advantage of my generosity. Some spiritual abuse that I endured a couple of years ago, along with a toxic intern has hindered my ability to trust others, including some of my closest friends, and has instilled distrust in my own ability to discern people's intentions, so I have become much more reclusive. This has come from an agreeable nature, so I guess this is also an undesirable trait as well. I am a firm believer that outside my forums, my 2 best friends, and family members, people suck. Kind of wish now that I was born with a mean streak so that people won't ever step on me again.
Sorry for venting, but as I said, last week has been crazy so I'm not in the best shape right now. Is being nice (following the golden rule, generosity, being respectful, thoughtful, etc) even worth it in this dog eat dog world?