My Support Forums - View Single Post - Does it Even Pay to Be Nice, Generous, etc?

sarahsweets · May 02, 2019 at 04:12 AM

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Originally Posted by DazedandConfused254

One thought I keep entertaining is how worthless it seems for me to be nice, ie being thoughtful, generous with my time and resources, and going the extra mile to help others.

I think being compassionate and empathetic is better than kind, thoughtful or generous when it comes to self protection. You can show compassion and empathy by active listening and you do not need to do anything for someone or jump through hoops to hold them up.

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Although people have praised me a countless number of times for being even-tempered and pleasant to be around, in my experience people outside my close friends and family use my nature to step all over me and open the door to toxicity. When I try to be thoughtful to others, like wish them a happy birthday or encourage them through life's struggles, I just get ignored. Like one person (a former crush) who I wished happy birthday to and wanted to catch up with but didn't respond and at the same time rubbed in on SM how happy she was with her boyfriend of 3 years.

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COMPASSION:
noun
a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

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EMPATHY:
noun
the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
synonyms: affinity with, rapport with, sympathy with, understanding of, sensitivity toward, sensibility to, identification with, awareness of, fellowship with, fellow feeling for, like-mindedness, togetherness, closeness to; informal chemistry
"what is really important about learning a language is learning empathy for another culture"

Even a strong desire to alleviate the suffering of someone can be done from a distance. Its the act of compassion and empathy that keeps us as feeling humans. Notice they are both nouns not verbs-meaning they do not require action on your part. You can feel them and do your best to be kind but have solid boundaries to keep from being taken advantage of. And do not worry about the birthday thing- thats small potatoes in the scheme of life.

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Speaking of which I guess nice guys do finish last, with women always going for the more popular and handsome jocks. The guy who invented the phrase "Be Yourself" is a liar and a hypocrite.

I didnt go for the popular jock and many women do not. But your experiences right now may be influencing how you feel about it.

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And more recently I've had this friend who's started to take advantage of my generosity. Some spiritual abuse that I endured a couple of years ago, along with a toxic intern has hindered my ability to trust others, including some of my closest friends, and has instilled distrust in my own ability to discern people's intentions, so I have become much more reclusive. This has come from an agreeable nature, so I guess this is also an undesirable trait as well. I am a firm believer that outside my forums, my 2 best friends, and family members, people suck. Kind of wish now that I was born with a mean streak so that people won't ever step on me again.

I wish it wasnt this way for you but I wont invalidate your feelings and try to convince you otherwise. I can only promise you that the girls worth partnering with to settle down with, marry or have kids with pay zero attention to whether a guy is a jock, popular, rich, poor- they pay attention to who they are and how they treat them. I am not sure of your age but there is a certain age group right now that I believe is in sort of a crisis when it comes to relationships and love.
I have survived some bad things and it changed me- for the better actually and because of those bad things I am able to extend my compassion and empathy to others who remind me of myself. But I also know that "no." is a complete sentence and I do not need to prove to anyone that I feel empathy by doing things for them. And if they expect me to they aren't deserving of it from me.