I have not done anything yet.

I don't expect people to understand this. Yes, it is messed up. But you don't live in my shoes. I am at the point where I am so messed up that when I think about trying to find a single guy I feel bored and I have no desire to do so. I have depression, social anxiety, very low self esteem (zero actually) and am very lonely. Every one in my life throws me aside and treats me like crap my entire life. My parents really messed me up bad. They have no clue how bad I am.

I am trying to make changes but it is very hard when you are exhausted all the time, around negative people on a daily basis and are severely depressed. And when you are lonely you will take whatever you can get to get by. And yes, he is probably like a drug to me. it gives me something while my life sucks.