I admitted to R that I felt quite anxious at the start of today’s session.



‘Can you pinpoint why?’

‘It has been an intense week. The Critic has been loud.’

‘What has he been critiquing you on?’

‘The Critic has trust issues.’



‘That comes from being in situations previously where you’ve not felt heard?’



‘Yes.’



‘Well, let’s start there then. How are you today, Lost, in this moment?’



‘I am dancing around what I really want to say. Do you know any more?’

She said that the earliest she would know is the beginning of June, and we can carry on as normal in the meantime.



‘It created an excellent opportunity for some real world practice in asking for what I need, which I completely bungled from my perspective.’



‘How so?’



‘We had our conversation, obviously…and our laugh. Then I had to talk to Mum about it, and I decided that I would wait until we could talk about it over dinner. I decided that I would wait until the end of the meal, which turned into waiting until I’d worked myself up over it so much that I couldn’t eat any more.’

‘It sounds like you have a habit…that’s not a negative thing…of armouring up before difficult conversations.’



‘Yes..the conversation went well, though.’



I told her about the concert I went to at the weekend. ‘Most people don’t armour up ot do fun things.’ I caught myself and requested a ban on the phrase. ‘We are not dealing with most people.’

‘Back to Lost.’



‘It was the same setlist as before. I took tissues and my pebble.’



R asked what the pebble symbolised.



‘It’s a touchstone for me when I feel upset or anxious.’



I explained that the venue had changed the seating since we last went, and the comfortable seating was problematic for my Mum’s back. I said that I’d felt quite guilty over that.



‘It was the same setlist as before, I took tissues and my pebble. My mum asked whether I thought it was going to be sad. I said I was just being prepared.’

I mentioned that I took a deep breath as Here Comes the Sun started, and went somewhere else for most of the song (albeit not intentionally) coming back towards the end.

I talked about feeling much the same during Heading for the Light. R asked about between those two moments of feeling, and I said that I was bracing.

‘There are certain songs that if I hear them in public, I brace.’

‘Not to take away from your experience or to normalise it…but I’m going to disclose something personal to me. There are certain songs that remind me of my dad, and even if I’m having the time of my life, I can still expect that emotional reaction.’

R asked what I was expecting to happen. I said that I was hoping to release some of those feelings. ‘Please piss off.’



‘Always polite.’



‘That was “The theatre is not the place for such a release.”’

‘I have learned that I can’t plan for such things. In order to explain that, I have to go back to the cinema experience in August 2016.’

‘Can you think of a time when you have just allowed yourself to feel and not tried to intellectualise?’



‘I am thinking about last November.’



‘I was thinking of the same thing. There was no thinking about it. That was just feeling.’

R then mentioned our laughter at the end of the previous session as another example of that.


'Part of your journey is feeling your emotions, not eradicating them.'

‘I am tired of this simmering frustration, but if I let it out in the way I need to…no more boat. I’m not going to jump in someone else’s boat and paddle for them, but…’

‘You would like to have a break from trying desperately to keep yours afloat. I love our analogies, it’s like the Jenga tower all over again.’

‘And what will you do then, if you don’t need to paddle furiously?’



I said that my favourite people to be with at the moment are either those who know, or those who don't have a clue.



'People who can look at me and go "Are you breathing?" or those who don't know anything.'



'You almost need the two opposites.'



‘I feel as though I am walking through landmines, but…that analogy falls apart. There is a tension between ‘What they did was not OK’ and ‘I let this happen’.’



‘Can both be true?’



‘Yes.’



‘Which is more true for you at the moment?’



‘I let this happen.’



I reached for R’s hand. ‘I knew I was already in pain. I got sucked into another story in the hope of a better ending. This was not the ending I expected. They took advantage of me, and they took advantage of my person. I am glad that she did not live to see me like this…’



‘Yes.’



‘…but I think she would understand. Something shattered in the moment I found out about that.’



‘That is very powerful. I wonder whether that is tied in with your sense of self.’



‘That sounds like a starting point.’



We scheduled for the same time next week.