It strikes me that that the ideas behinds these bits and pieces I've plucked from your larger post don't fit together in ways that your posts usually do. It feels disjointed, like a bucket of Ms. Potato head parts that even if put together perfectly, are missing an eye or an arm or whatever. Maybe that has larger meaning, like you've tapped into something quite big and it's raining stuff down on you.

1. Angry at yourself for being vulnerable-- the second half of that sentence seems like something else entirely. This sounds like you think vulnerability is weakness rather than strength, or that you put yourself in a one-down position by revealing a soft spot, showing your neck. "Feeble attempt" sounds like a way to put yourself down for weakness too. Being afraid, is that was makes you angry? Could you be really well defended, and this is your reaction to letting your guard down?

2. Trying to get his pity or reassurance. Two wildly different reactions there. Who wants pity? I doubt that you do. Empathy, maybe. Reassurance, sure. Wanting these things from people when you've revealed sensitive info or hurtful experiences is totally normal. Why are you beating yourself up for it. Maybe what's bugging you is the WANT. You want, hope for, long to make some kind of impact on him, get some reaction. That reminds me of how you wrote about the emailing thing. Perhaps you've gone a long time giving yourself away to others and being all proud of yourself for not needing anything back. A book I read a few years back is an eye opener for this concept:

https://www.amazon.com/Strangers-Dro...gateway&sr=8-1

3. "Felt like a big baby." Again it's images of weakness, neediness, vulnerability. Maybe there is more consistency here than I first thought. A clue maybe, that this is tapping into your childhood. From where I sit, you had an objectively bad one. Maybe it's time to deal with it rather than avoid it. You think you were "too much." How is that, exactly, when you pay for a session time and you left when you were supposed to, and you didn't tear the place apart when you were there?

4. Working with people in dire circumstances. Yeah, I get this. My clients have a string of terrible traumas that make my ugly childhood look like a walk in the park. It's a good, if hollow excuse for denying your own pain, which in my experience, will come back and kick you in the teeth every time. What others have been through is irrelevant to your therapy. You know this.

5. "Punish." Clearly the way you treat yourself is a problem. To punish yourself by denying something you want is just a slightly more sophisticated version of slashing up your skin with a razor.

6. He's made it very clear he's not going to respond no matter what. And it would be anti-therapist ethic thing to encourage or ask a client to attend a session when she has canceled. Your expectations for what you think he'll do are way, way off. You are not going to get the reaction you want by emailing. You can't push the issue off on him. The problem is not that he didn't respond back and tell you to come to your session. The problem is you canceled in the first place, a choice that has consequences that you have to live with. It's not a tragedy, but it's a choice you may need to own as against your best interests.

I hope it doesn't feel like I have tried to "crucify" you for canceling your session but I don't care whether it inconveniences your T or whatever. I do think it's a version of self harm, because by making this choice, you are sabotaging what you most want from him, which is some kind of response to you and your experience.

I think you have trouble accepting what therapy and your therapist offers you. I think you won't allow yourself to have what you most want from the guy sitting there in the room with you. I admire the creativity in your attempts to avoid getting what you want, spending your time and money and space in your head in the service of it.

I'm tempted just to delete this message, but on the off chance something I've written might be helpful, here it goes. I miss the mark plenty of times .