Wow that was so courageous and a wonderful act of overcoming your avoidance, Lrad! I doubt that I would have ever done that with a therapist (cancelling and then showing up without formally revoking it). Did his reaction give you more reassurance that you are welcome even if things get a but messy and you don't stick exactly with what was supposed to happen? I think that's how I would have felt myself. I never had this with a T but experienced something similar about dreaded work-related meetings. I often have all sorts of worst case scenario fantasies when I feel that I am not progressing well enough or not going into a meeting prepared enough, sometimes to find that other do not see it that way at all. Still, my own imagination and self-judgment is often stronger than reality, I still feel ashamed no matter how much positive feedback, but I've gotten better at it over time via pushing myself not to avoid discomfort. When it is really successful, it can give me a great deal of relief and a reality check that was actually successful