My husband is thoughtful, loving, caring, hard-working, intelligent, witty, and rational while being irreverent. He is the kind of guy who goes out of his way to help others. He is my best friend, and we have always had a lot of fun together, but his mood swings, which have been present over the last fourteen years, have increased greatly since this summer, with at least six significant episodes and a dozen more minor ones in the last seven months. When his mood takes a sudden downward turn, it’s like he is a different person. He gets a wild look in his eyes and explodes with anger. These mood swings have obvious triggers: usually too much alcohol or sickness in the family or a crisis situation or a time of great stress. In this mode, he is not his rational self and there is no hope of making him see reason. My best bet is to avoid him completely or at least avoid arguing with him. His anger is over-the-top and unwarranted for the given situation. He seems out of control. This mode can last for several minutes or even a full day, but usually a couple hours.
This is the pattern that I have observed, which usually takes place over a two- to three-day period:
He is angry, explosive, irrational. ➡ He either sleeps or removes himself from the house. ➡ He offers a false apology. ➡ He continues to act angry with me and in a bad mood. ➡
He transitions from angry to depressed (usually accompanied by joking comments to me even though we aren’t on good terms at this point). ➡ He becomes depressed and moody. ➡
When I confront him, he tries to rationalize his behavior to me. ➡ Finally, he offers a genuine, heartfelt apology. ➡ He is usually still a little prickly for a few days after this apology. ➡ We get back to our normal.

But lately, it seems much harder for us to return to normal, as he is frequently irritable or withdrawn. In between these angry outbursts, he seems pretty depressed overall. I can’t count on him to help with the kids or around the house anymore—I’ve stopped even trying to get him to help most of the time because it often seems to be more trouble than it’s worth—and he just seems to be more selfish than he ever has been in our marriage. He’s always thinking of how things negatively affect him before he thinks of anyone else, IF he thinks of anyone else. He hardly ever asks me about my day or shows interest in anything outside himself. He doesn’t engage with me much at all. When he does not seem depressed, it’s usually because he is very busy or he is focused on a project. I’ve also noticed he has periods of poor sleep in which he tends to get a lot done. Other times, he sleeps too much, going to bed early and waking up late.

I thought he might be bipolar, as his father and brother are, but the psychiatrist he went to recently doesn’t think he has the highs that a bipolar person would. I looked at the criteria for borderline personality disorder, and the angry outbursts seem more in line with that than anything else, but he doesn’t have the wrecked relationships or the manipulative tendencies of someone with bpd. He’s diagnosed with depression, adhd, and anxiety, but that does not explain his Jekyll and Hyde mood swings. It is truly like he becomes a different person. Anyone have any ideas? Anyone experienced this? How can I help him? I just want my husband back. Thanks for reading.