So sorry that you are struggling DanceEngine. You sound deeply unhappy and that is a really difficult place to be in life. I agree with Iliovar. I think a kind and experienced therapist could really help you. You've tried to let go of the man you were involved with and it didn't work...I think perhaps you need more than sheer willpower...perhaps you would benefit from some thoughtful help and guidance?

For example, some people badly want to improve their diet but no matter how hard they try, they continue to over-eat or eat unhealthy foods. They get stuck in a loop. Or someone dependent on alcohol badly wants to stop drinking but they can't. Along comes a good therapist with some professional strategies and fresh ideas and things start to change because they have support and comfort. I see a parallel with your situation. Does that resonate with you at all? Have you ever tried therapy? If you are currently in therapy or tried it in the past, I recommend finding a new therapist. They are not all of equal experience and skill level.

For what it's worth, I am not judging you at all. People who do judge you are simply playing out their own insecurities....it's not about you, it's about their own unresolved issues. PC is supposed to be a community of support, not moralizing and contempt. You have my empathy and I truly hope that you can find a way to feel better. You are a beautiful being in the Universe. You've just lost your way a bit....we have ALL been there in one way or another. Lost is how we feel right before we find our true path. I wish you peace, hope, and a bright future. You deserve it!