I don't think you sound hopeless at all! Truly. You are candidly sharing your struggles on a support forum....that takes courage and self-awareness....both important foundations for progress. I believe that you are closer to healing than you realize! In my impression, what may be holding you back a bit is lack of trust in yourself. Or am I way off?

Your self-help books and online research sound wonderful. Did you find anything specific about people struggling with an affair or healing from one? I bet there's some good stuff out there....affairs are so common. I often go to the Psychology Today website for helpful articles and tips on issues that bother me.

I have done therapy too and I had both experiences. One made me feel belittled and criticized. The other was wonderful and I made excellent progress with her. My hunch is that if you felt worse when you talked to a therapist, it wasn't a good therapist. Rapport building is so important. I read an article on Psychology Today about how therapy is only as successful as the relationship between therapist and client! So true! It should feel like a partnership, someone in your corner guiding you while honoring your autonomy. It should NEVER feel like a teacher-student or boss-employee dynamic....that is BAD therapy and does happen at times. That said, therapy is not for everyone. I always suggest it because I think at one point it saved my life and I am planning to do it again soon because my depression is gnawing at me again. But I respect your individuality and wishes.

Let us know how we can help you here. Maybe you'd like some links to articles and self-help ideas....so at least you don't feel alone in your struggle?