Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleMirrors3
Sadly, my experience was like yours (and the OP’s).
My therapist inserted herself as an important person in my psyche and then destroyed it. The self-clean-up afterwards is what turned on that light for me. When I could accept the devastation related to my “unimportant status” to my important person, and I could also accept all of her judgment, rejection and hostility, I was freed. The worst had happened. I survived. Nobody else in my everyday life could ever descimate me in such a raw, straight-to-the-core manner - so I had nothing left to be afraid of.
A year later, I view my former therapist as narcissistic, incompetent and broken. And actually, quite monstrous for accepting none of the responsibility for therapy failure and letting me take on all the blame and shame. All the while, accepting upwards of six-figures of cash from me over an 8 year span. In many ways I do feel like someone who escaped a cult, and all the toxic mentality that went with it. I can’t relate at all to the desperate and grasping person I used to be. I’m now someone who refutes “the joys of submitting to the master”. I too no longer crumble at the negative opinions of others - and tell, rather than ask.
I think an experience like mine (ours?) could only come from “therapy gone wrong” - so perhaps it was successful after all.
OP - keep plugging away. You’re doing the work with or without your therapist.
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I think one of the hardest parts about grieving ex T, in my experience, is knowing what to feel. During our work together, I wanted to believe she was doing everything right. Of course I got combative and angry at times for things she did, but I always talked myself out of my anger (and she helped) so that I could repair the tension between us. Now, as I’ve talked to others about what happened between us, I hear many mixed opinions - from one extreme to the other. I think it would be so much easier for me to pick a side and simple remember her as either toxic or a saint that I manipulated, tested, and “stalked.” Both extremes feel safer in some way. When I blame her, I feel like my anger pushes her away and she loses power over me. However, the anger is also quite painful because I want to believe there was good in our relationship because I still really value the connection and love her. I want to believe she loved (and still does) me too, like she’d always say. But when I blame myself for everything that went wrong and soak in all the shame, I feel like I’m invalidating my own experience. This was easier to do when I was still seeing her, but now as I’ve told more people about her and us, many say (definitely not all) my shame isn’t warranted and that all relationships are co-created. My current T can very plainly and black and white lay out tangible examples of where my ex T crossed the line, but the thing is, depending on how one describes and/or shares the therapeutic benefits of those things, one can see her actions as therapeutic. For example, perhaps Ex T had really good reasons for coming to my dorm room (perhaps it wasn’t even a big deal) or saying I love you? Perhaps I was crazy and made things up about things she never said?
In an ideal world, we could both say sorry for our part in it and I would feel at peace and like I’ve received the closure I so desperately want. However, if that never happens, I need to figure out a way to hold both of our mistakes at the same time, even if she doesn’t believe she made any.