I think one of the hardest parts about grieving ex T, in my experience, is knowing what to feel. During our work together, I wanted to believe she was doing everything right. Of course I got combative and angry at times for things she did, but I always talked myself out of my anger (and she helped) so that I could repair the tension between us. Now, as I’ve talked to others about what happened between us, I hear many mixed opinions - from one extreme to the other. I think it would be so much easier for me to pick a side and simple remember her as either toxic or a saint that I manipulated, tested, and “stalked.” Both extremes feel safer in some way. When I blame her, I feel like my anger pushes her away and she loses power over me. However, the anger is also quite painful because I want to believe there was good in our relationship because I still really value the connection and love her. I want to believe she loved (and still does) me too, like she’d always say. But when I blame myself for everything that went wrong and soak in all the shame, I feel like I’m invalidating my own experience. This was easier to do when I was still seeing her, but now as I’ve told more people about her and us, many say (definitely not all) my shame isn’t warranted and that all relationships are co-created. My current T can very plainly and black and white lay out tangible examples of where my ex T crossed the line, but the thing is, depending on how one describes and/or shares the therapeutic benefits of those things, one can see her actions as therapeutic. For example, perhaps Ex T had really good reasons for coming to my dorm room (perhaps it wasn’t even a big deal) or saying I love you? Perhaps I was crazy and made things up about things she never said?

In an ideal world, we could both say sorry for our part in it and I would feel at peace and like I’ve received the closure I so desperately want. However, if that never happens, I need to figure out a way to hold both of our mistakes at the same time, even if she doesn’t believe she made any.