Feeling alone. The PTSD is really doing my head in. When I had psychosis earlier this year my main delusion was that those in authority over me (especially mental health professionals) were conspiring to manipulate and control me. Now my flashbacks are showing me that throughout my whole life, including my own parents, those in authority over me have misused or abused me so no wonder I had that delusion. Why it is all coming up now is uncertain but my T said my brain must be ready for it, or at least trying to show me something.

Problem is I don't feel ready and now I am fearful of everybody in my life. I am beginning to not trust those who love me. I am very afraid. I don't know who to talk to but of all the people in my life thankfully I still trust my T, at least to a certain degree. I spent time with my parents yesterday and it was extremely difficult. They failed me in a monumental way as a child and as an adult. Now I feel it I find it difficult to be around them. They are my main support so it makes it hard.

I am also terrified another Bipolar episode is around the corner but it is difficult to tell as my symptoms could be just from the PTSD (little sleep, racing thoughts, outbursts of rage). I want to escape this, to shut the PTSD down and feel safe again. I want to be stable and get on with my life. I am doing all I can to deal with this but wonder how much control I really have. Twenty years ago severe PTSD hit me in the same way. It led me into hell for years. As I had no treatment back then it is no surprise it is coming back, needing to be dealt with, but why now, I don't know. At least I have a great T and pdoc this time. Hopefully I can avoid losing my mind again, and more importantly, stay alive.

Also, on top of this my stomach problems are just as bad as when I went to ER. As it is thought to be a trauma reaction there is little I can do outside take some meds, exercise and destress, which I was already doing. I hate having my diet so limited but I guess I am going to just have to deal with it for a while. I still have hope for myself in all of this.