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Originally Posted by PurpleMirrors3
The reconciliation process has been the most difficult for me as well. I found it nearly impossible to merge both the good and the bad of therapy and my therapist. Both were SO extreme. Initially I thought it was my problem for mentally splitting my therapist and not being able to hold a consistent view of what happened between us. Now, I see it more as a symptom of trauma and having something devastating happen in the last place on earth it’s supposed to happen. How could anyone deal?
One thing that has helped me unpack and process my confusion is accepting that neither my therapist nor myself could even agree between the two of us what was happening and had happened in therapy. We were living two totally different experiences. An outsider has even less insight. Maybe both of us were doing the best we could?
Might it help to frame it as a very special experience with a very horrific ending?
I still love my therapist and probably always will. However I am also cycling through highly justified anger and fury.
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I can relate so much to what you say here. Apologies if I’m wrong, but what you said here seems a little different than your previous post. I don’t know your story, but you described your T as being narcissistic, incompetent, and broken which may be entirely true. I think I was just confused as to what made you realize that the two of you were in different worlds and your T wasn’t all-evil or all-amazing. Again, I don’t mean to challenge you, I’m just genuinely interested because your two posts seem contradictory to me. I want to believe that T and I were on two totally different wave lengths, but I feel afraid that I’m invalidating or dismissing the mistakes each of us made. At the same time, telling myself that we each did the best we could is comforting... it somehow feels like it’s more caring that way... but then I spiral ask myself “does she really care if she’s not even willing to admit that she has made mistakes?” Not to sound full of myself, but I’m so quick to say that I screwed up in many ways (and I made many more mistakes than her), but even when I admit that to her, she doesn’t take any ownership of her part in it.