Quote:
Originally Posted by justbreathe1994
I can relate so much to what you say here. Apologies if I’m wrong, but what you said here seems a little different than your previous post. I don’t know your story, but you described your T as being narcissistic, incompetent, and broken which may be entirely true. I think I was just confused as to what made you realize that the two of you were in different worlds and your T wasn’t all-evil or all-amazing. Again, I don’t mean to challenge you, I’m just genuinely interested because your two posts seem contradictory to me. I want to believe that T and I were on two totally different wave lengths, but I feel afraid that I’m invalidating or dismissing the mistakes each of us made. At the same time, telling myself that we each did the best we could is comforting... it somehow feels like it’s more caring that way... but then I spiral ask myself “does she really care if she’s not even willing to admit that she has made mistakes?” Not to sound full of myself, but I’m so quick to say that I screwed up in many ways (and I made many more mistakes than her), but even when I admit that to her, she doesn’t take any ownership of her part in it.
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You’re asking about the contradiction that still tortures me!
She is absolutely narcissistic, incompetent and broken! If she weren’t more than that, I would have been able to walk away earlier with far fewer scars. I do believe she cared about me in a way I haven’t felt cared about in the past. When things weren’t angry, she listened to me, cried with me and laughed with me. She was exquisite and lovely. Yet, she didn’t know what to do with anger and negativity and couldn’t work ‘in the moment’ or make effective use of transference.
In anger, she’d say things that are inexcusable and damaging. She shattered my sense of self and rejected a piece of me I’m not sure I’ll ever see again. I’ve been validated and empathized with by each of the therapist I’ve consulted with. It’s not much of a consolidation.
To move on, I’ve had to accept all of it. The good, the bad, the ugly. I’ve accepted my part and accepted her part. I accept that I may never see her again. I accept that she’s probably forgotten me or moved on by now, and that when she thinks of me it’s probably in anger. I love her anyway, despite all of this. I hate her too.