Hello,

I don't even know how I started thinking about this, but since today's morning, I cannot get my mind off of thinking about the possibility of me being a sociopath.

I read the traits and symptoms of people with ASPD and I cannot clearly decide if it is my case or not. I started thinking about my behavior and I realized I lie a lot. I make-up stuff about my past (all my current friends think I've played soccer for 8 years, but it's not true, I just like soccer and I'm kinda good at it, however I never actually participated in any professional training). I think that this might have been a tool to boost my previously low self-esteem, though. Sometimes some funny made-up situation will pop up in my mind and I share it with people - but I don't say it was just an idea of a situation, but I lie and tell them I was actually in the situation. In this case, it doesn't make me look better, I honestly don't know why I do it. I often lie to avoid punishment or consequences, but I wouldn't say I do it to hurt people. I have no interest in hurting other people, however I cannot say I never took advantage of someone else's bad luck for my own personal profit.

I also read that some sociopaths can love their family, however they do not feel longing for them when not seeing them for a longer time. This is true for me - I love my family, I definitely do. Seeing my mom cry, or the thought of it makes me sad. However, I live in a different country than she does and I rarely feel the need to contact her. I enjoy spending time with her, but if we don't talk for a longer time, it doesn't make me sad. But maybe that's just a part of being adult? No idea.

I can put myself in other people's shoes, see their point of view, understand WHY they feel how they feel, however I can't remember if I ever genuinely felt their emotions at that moment. I always thought I am very empathetic person because of this, but now I'm thinking maybe I just don't know what empathy really is. I am really confused and doubting everything in my life right now. I've always been a people-pleaser, tried to fit in (which I really struggled with during my school years, I will describe it further later), always acted genuinely polite, but maybe that's just what I was taught. I though wanting people to like me was normal. I don't willingly manipulate people, I might have done it, but I don't know about it. Or at least I know I wouldn't be happy about me doing it.

Another thing I read was that people with ASPD are charmers, get along well with people, are leader-types, generally wanted to be around and funny, which I feel I am, from the references I get from people. People really do enjoy being around me, and I enjoy being around people. However, as I said before, during my school years I had a very hard time getting along with my classmates for a longer time. In the beginning I was the most popular person, however after some time I became one of the most-hated people and I never understood why. I have a friend from high school which I always meet up when I come back home, but I wouldn't consider her a real friend since we don't stay in contact. I have a lot of friends and people around me, but I don't have what other people seem to have - a best friend. I just don't. There are some people that have been around for years, but generally I can feel like someone is my great friend and few months later, we don't even talk anymore. No fights, no problems, I just don't stay in touch with them.

There are also symptoms that I don't think fit me - for example I don't have a problem sharing intimate information with people close to me. Motive of my actions is not manipulation - or at least I don't realize it. Another reason that I think I might be a sociopath is that I can check almost all the boxes when it comes to causes of it.

I just want to be normal. I don't want to be a sociopath, and some people say that this on its own is a sign that I'm not - but is it? Please help me