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Originally Posted by Anne2.0
It's HER therapy, not marriage therapy. The problems caused by her therapy are because her boundaries around what is hers are not strong enough. This is IMO, not fact. It is enmeshment when a spouse who is not part of the therapy is "read in" to it, especially when said spouse is abusive or controlling. It seems to me that he's using the information she freely provides to him, to use it against her and control her further. Information is power, including information about what and how you're doing therapy, how you feel about your therapist. If you give this information away to someone who can't be trusted with it, I think you're sabotaging yourself and your therapy.
Obviously people do relationships and marriages in different ways, and I'm not claiming I know what everyone should do. I had plenty of issues in my marriage, but what I learned is being better boundaried as a person benefitted my marriage, it didn't detract from it. Mindmeld and total togetherness were not my goal. Now that I'm a healthier person in a new relationship with a healthy person, I have a greater appreciation for how my developmet away from enmeshment/codependence and towards intimacy with independence has benefitted me.
They say when you're a parent, put on your own oxygen mask before you help your child. Being a healthier person has also helped me parent my child with less dysfunction. I think the same is true for being a partner/spouse/whatever. Develop your self as a person, and protect the space in which you do that to facilitate your individual growth, don't sacrifice yourself for your relationship. In a good relationship, a partner should support your personal growth, not fight against it and certainly not try to control you from doing what you need. IMO only; this is the kind of relationship I want and what I believe. I have no investment in whatever kinds of relationships others want to have. I think the key is "want," though, not just put up with.
I'm sorry, Omers, if this comes across as unsupportive or isn't helpful. This is just the way I see it and I find it hard to watch fabulous women be taken down by controlling men. I wish you the best with all of it.
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I hate when women are taken down by controlling men too. I haven't read enough about this particular marriage to respond to anything other than this individual posting, so I'm sure my views are missing the big picture.
It seems to me that for just this incident, what the OP is describing isn't the husband inserting himself into the therapy (trying to attend sessions or asking uncomfortable/intrusive questions), but rather the therapy coming into the home in a way that is upsetting to him. Ideally he would be more supportive and understanding, but if he's not, perhaps the OP does what you suggest - not give him ammunition to continue to be unsupportive. Yes - taking care of herself is key. In this case, I think the OP needs to make the adjustments rather than expecting her husband to change. At least in the immediate future.
Totally agree about boundaries being important for everyone, in all aspects of life. I think the challenge is our need as a client to be involved and engaged in therapy, vs a spouse's legitimate complaints about therapy bleeding into home life. From my side, I was extremely involved and engaged in my own therapy which inevitably impacted my husband at home. Be it my coming home from sessions upset and not wanting to talk about why (shutting down), while at other times talking excessively about all of my self-discoveries in a totally self-absorbed way and ignoring his needs. At the time, my therapy relationship eclipsed my marriage in the name of personal healing and growth. It took a heavy toll, which I could only see after the fact. It's a really delicate balance between getting our needs met, while at the same time, being a good partner. My husband has never been in therapy, but if the roles were reversed and I felt shut out and had to see his relationship with his therapist taking increasing priority, I'd be pretty upset. Again just my own opinion.