Thank you Mopey. no, there wont be anyone, its a proivate thing between me and Home.

so today has arrived and i feel unprepared. work went ok-ish. i was tired. P was nice with me.

i saw T and she thanked me for the letter and she said she didnt text me about it because she wanted to say things in person. she said she does get how i feel about her and that it was just my need for being REALLY sure she knows how i feel about her (thankful). im glad she gets more than i can verbally say.

then we talked a bit about P, a bit about my dream where i felt lost not knowing where i live or where i work at, and then we talked lot about Home's anniversary.

i told her how when i think about Home i can only see the last days i lived there. a tragedy, an agony. and i cant stand that feelings fade a bit away with time. it makes me feel guilty and i need to show home through the anniversary, through my blood how much i miss it and how much i love it and that i didnt want to leave. it was not my decision, it was stealed from me.

then i told her im going to get drunk because i cant bear it and that im very afraid of how it will go. i'll bring flowers, i'll shed my blood, to show Home how much i still love it. and i'll tell my mom about it because i want her to know i still suffer because of it and because of her (and i just did it in the phone call with her).

more than anything else i feel fear. fear that home will be different, that i wont feel much or that i'll be numb and i wont feel i'll finally be able to breathe when i see it because its what has always happened and i want it to happen again, but i cant force myself. as i cant force myself to cry. im afraid it wont make me feel better. im afraid i'll see people inside. i hate them,. im afraid i wont feel the connection. im afraid i wont feel much at all. im afraid my blood wont be a good thing. im afraid it wont make me feel any better. im afraid the ritual wont be the same. wont have the same meaning. wont give me the same feelings. im afraid im forgetting Home. im afraid im feeling less and less the pain . im afraid i wont feel the connection i used to feel. im SO afraid. now i have to go. i have to go say hi to my home. that i still hove it and that i miss it and i will never forget it and that i thank it for everything it has done for me. making me feel what Home means. something that i wont be able to feel ever again.

i love you Home. always and forver.