Hi Rose,

I don't know if you remember me from years before. We met in the abuse forum and had "our differences" a few times - but, eventually became friends as we watched each other post and learned more that way. I have been seeing this post pop up for the week or two since I returned to PC this last time but honestly was even afraid to read it.

You and I have always been so sensitive to one another and I did not want to risk either of us. I want to apologize for waiting so long.

Truth be told, we may be sensitive to one another at any stage of the game and I have found you to be a caring person. So - let me say up front .. please don't let any of my words upset you bc they are never meant to, yet sometimes even my best intentions are my downfall - and atm, that's precisely what triggered my depression so it would snowball for both of us. ❤

Anyway - I recall when we first met, you advised many of us to get away from abuse and that in some ways, we were responsible for our own abuse. Not because we enjoyed it nor invited it - but bc the way we reacted to the treatment and even to the non-abusive treatment allowed for it. Most of us (including me) opposed you for this - but in some ways you were right, though I still will not go all the way in saying abused people are "responsible for" their abuse - they do inadvertently allow some of it, though sometimes that is a forced response. You further would go on to tell us that we needed to just "stop that behavior" and leave - but that you understood it is not easy to do and takes time, but the longer we take, the longer we "allow" it to go on.

Now - I am not bringing all this up to hurt you. Quite the opposite. I bring it up to help you grow. While I read through the 4 pages here, I was reminded that, had this man not been in the throws of dementia, his behavior would be considered emotional abuse. I remembered a few of us telling that to you back then - and you denying it (which is what would be expected of an abuse victim during abuse). I also remember you telling us back then you had nursing experience n thus could handle it bc you understood it - later became overwhelmed n we tried to convince you to get a home health nurse, you said you did not want a stranger taking care of him bc you had seen how that went. If I recall correctly, your first home health person did not work out n you almost went back to doing it all yourself again - but we let you know there are others that will likely do better, you tried again .. and eventually relaxed. It was hard on both of you then too.

Again - these memories are brought up so what I am about to say will help (and hopefully grow you).

See - you have always had wisdom for others. Painful wisdom at times, that nobody wanted to look at. But - just like the old saying about doctors not being able to heal themselves (can't recall the wording) - you have a hard time seeing where your advice and wisdom applies in your own life.

Even though your boyfriend has dementia - he is (and according to my memories of what you said about the times you had with him before dementia - always has been) emotionally abusive to you at this point. It may or may not be "severe" abuse as it stands, I don't know. But the fact that it is causing you depression is severe enough. Abusive behavior, is in fact, one of the symptoms of dementia. So at this point, the abuse is not his fault - but neither is it yours. Don't allow it to be.

Allow him to have as good a life as he can. Provide him with whatever the best nursing home his insurance and VA can provide - and continue on with your life. Visit him. Have fun on your visits. Some nursing homes allow you to check residents out for excursions and then back in later that day if you want to do that sometimes. But stop allowing him to control your life and abuse you while he does.

You are worthy of happiness.
Go get it.
You are beautiful.
Let yourself believe it.
You are strong.
Take a look - you will see it.

You are a wonderful and wise person.

Please - listen to your own advice, my beautiful and strong friend ❤