T Wednesday (day early by request). T was wearing jeans, which is rare for him, plus his R2-D2 socks (plus shirt and shoes). Went back and sat down. Me: "Sorry for requesting an earlier session, then declining it, then emailing, then asking for earlier session again." T: "It's not a problem. It all worked out." Me: "Yeah."

T: "You look really anxious." Me: "I am really anxious." T: "Do you want to talk about why you're so anxious?" Me: "I guess...this just feels like it could be an important session, like make-or-break for me." T: "Hm. OK...well, if you feel you need to terminate after this, it would be completely up to you." (He said it more kindly than it likely reads here--think he was just reassuring me that he wouldn't terminate.)

I couldn't look at him for first few things I shared, actually hiding my face behind my hand, which is unusual for me. Me: "I guess I just wasn't feeling that good about things after session, then thought maybe the email would help resolve things...but it sort of made it worse." T: "Tell me what you were feeling." Me: "It just felt in session like you were pushing the forgiveness thing on me when I wasn't sure about it. I thought maybe in the email you'd back off from it a bit, or say it's not the only path, but instead, it seemed like you pushed it even more. It felt like you had an agenda. And it's like...if you think that's the only direction I can go in, like if I have to go toward forgiving my mom...then...I don't know. I'm not totally sure this could work."

T: "The thing with forgiveness is, if you're feeling anger at someone, it can really consume you. Affect your mental health, your physical health." He said something else about it, and I waited until he was done. Me: "But the thing is, I haven't even really gotten to anger yet. It's like I've gone from blaming myself...to now I'm supposed to forgive her? I feel I've spent my whole life in a way forgiving people, letting them off the hook for things, blaming myself instead." T: "Well, it's not the only way forward. I'm sorry it seemed like I was saying that." Me: "It did." T: "And if you did aim for forgiveness, it wouldn't be an immediate thing. It's more of an endgame. It could be a year, 5 years, even 50 years from now."

Me: "OK. But what if even I don't feel forgiveness is the right thing for me? I guess there's a difference between forgiveness and acceptance." T: "Yes there is a difference." Me: "But maybe acceptance is the right thing for me?" T: "It could be. Like I said, there's not just the one path, it's just the one that tends to have the most psychological evidence as being helpful." Me: "OK."

Me: "I think the thing is...with ex-MC, what helped me was realizing that it wasn't all my fault. That he had some blame in it, too. It wasn't just I screwed up the relationship by saying something to him that I shouldn't have. And I feel I've generally worked through that, but wouldn't say I've forgiven him. And don't feel like I need to with him to move forward." T: "OK. So you do feel you have moved past that?" Me: "It feels like, since I was really sad at the anniversary of the termination, a month ago, it's like I've been able to move forward." T: "Good."

Me (back to covering face): "The other thing is...I was really bothered by the ;difficult child' thing. In the email, you acknowledged that it hurt me to hear that...but then you went ahead and said, 'but you were a difficult child, at least difficult for your mother to raise.' And that was painful because you acknowledged it hurt me, then reiterated it." T: "Well, I was just trying to point out that you were probably a challenge for her to raise." Me (crying): "But the thing is, I've been telling myself that my whole life, how I'm the one who was the problem, and now it feels like you're just reinforcing those negative feelings. So how is that supposed to help me?"

T: "Well, I assume you would consider D to be a difficult, challenging child, right?" Me: "Yes, but that doesn't mean I'd expect her to forgive me for failing to meet some of her needs. I think that's what's hard for me, that it seems like if I was difficult, it was OK that my mom didn't meet my needs." T: "I've said multiple times, including, I think, in the email, that it's the parent's responsibility to adapt to their child. Not the other way around." Me: "yeah...but if I forgave my mom, it feels like I'm letting her off the hook for that." T: "It's not about letting anyone off the hook. It's for you to move forward."

Me: "I guess it's just...I mean, there was stuff I specifically asked her for, like seeing a T when I was in high school. And she wouldn't do that. I mean, I guess she had me see a psychiatrist for a bit when I was 12, but that was more I think because they didn't know how to deal with me, it wasn't so much that I was suffering." We talked about that briefly, the few memories I had of that p-doc, how I felt she wasn't overly helpful. Then shifted to discussing how my mom seemed to want to keep mental illness hidden. And how she didn't seem to have much empathy for her brother, who is bipolar and has had some substance-abuse issues. And how my cousin's daughter had issues with depression, and I told my mom (as an adult) how maybe i could reach out to her and share my experiences, and my mom was like, "No, don't do that!" I told T I reached out anyway, but didn't share many details about what I'd gone through, just said I was there if she needed to talk. T: "So it sounds like your mom has a certain stigma about mental illness." Me: "Yeah...I wonder if it's because she doesn't want to recognize her anxiety in herself. Like...how someone might present as homophobic because they have trouble coming to terms with their sexuality." T said was good comparison.

Me: "The thing is...her attitude toward mental illness just contributed to my feelings that I was screwed up. And I would often think I was less deserving of love because of my mental issues, from my parents or from anyone." T: "I would argue that it actually made you *more* deserving of love." Me: "What..?" T: "Don't you think you probably give your daughter more attention in some ways because she has special needs?" Me: "Yeah, I guess I do." T: "Well, I think you should have gotten more love and attention from your parents because of your struggles. Not less." His saying that really resonated with me. It counteracted a belief I'd had since childhood.

Somewhere in there I said in his talking about how I should forgive, it felt a bit like he had an agenda for me. That he though I needed to be a certain way. How that reminded me of my mom, thinking I needed to be a certain person even though it isn't who I am. T said he didn't have an agenda for me and wasn't trying to make me into someone else. T: "But I do have a vision for you: that you'll be able to become more at peace with your emotions and with yourself." I was sort of touched by that, partly in how he said it and looked at me? I could feel the caring--and maybe even love?--coming from him there.

I forget how we transitioned to this part (maybe it was earlier?), but I shared some of how I'd felt the day before, after receiving his email.

I nervously looked at T. He had an caring, sort of sad look. T pointed at some papers, "Was it all because of these?" Me: "Because of what?" T: "The email exchange?" Me: "Not just that, more what the feelings dredged up from my past, from childhood, those sorts of feelings." T: "OK."

I said that maybe I'm doing too much, pushing too hard in therapy right now. How I've kind of gotten to a point where I've mostly worked past the ex-MC stuff and now I'm diving right into all the childhood stuff, and maybe I'm pushing too hard? Plus trying to walk a couple times a week, do yoga a couple times a week, cut back on drinking, eat more healthily... T: "That does sound like a lot at once." Me: "Yeah...and I don't know what the answer is. Just push a bit less on stuff in here? Stop going twice weekly for a bit? Take a break, whether see someone else for a little bit or just a break from therapy entirely for a bit? I don't know." I forget what T said to that, but we were out of time, so no time to really address it.

I said I knew we had to stop, but the session had been really helpful. That I felt we'd worked through things. How I know we'll have a conflict, then I'll come in and we'll work through it, and maybe it could seem like...oh you'll just say something nice then I'd be OK. T: "Like I'd backpedal or something?" Me: "Yeah...but I don't feel like you did that. The thing is, if we couldn't work through it, then...why would I keep coming back?" T: "If we couldn't work through things, then that would be an excellent reason for you to to terminate." Me: "Yeah...But we have worked through things."

Confirmed next Monday and Thursday. Went over to pay, confirmed how much he was charging me for email ($45), which I'd already agreed to (was concerned would be higher). Shook hands as he said, "Have a good week. Oh, and I guess a good weekend, too." Me: "Thanks, you too." I glanced back at him as I walked out the door, hoping he would look up, but he didn't. I very quietly said, "Bye."

Still feeling good about the session a couple days later (no urges to contact him or anything). I think we communicated well and understood each other. I think the most important part is that he seemed to understand why I was upset and where I was coming from.