@SilverTrees Thanks for going above and beyond to support me and give me some very useful and touching words. Again feeling the love here from people like you. You have said things like "I don't know you" or "I don't know what's going for sure", but trust me SilverTrees, you've been even more helpful than most people in real life. Yes I have been a little depressed these past couple of years since life and some traumatic experiences just hit me out of nowhere. I get cabin fever easily, especially when I've dealt with less than healthy situations in my 6 years at the same uni, so maybe it's time for a different sphere if it's starting to leave its mark on me mentally. I've found my niche at my uni so its not all bad but what has been bad is the round of toxicity that I endured toward the end of my undergrad and the following intern, which I hope to leave behind mentally. Like you've said, I've started to project my feelings onto others, and in my case its because it seems as if life frequently assumes romantic rejections and toxic experiences are my fault. But I know what is in my control is continuing to reassert myself to the front, which is a relatively new concept, so I guess it just takes practice. And we can make as many or as few boundaries as we want depending on circumstances. Like I mentioned to Mickey I'm glad that I can still be true to my nature, as a kind gentle soul, without becoming a doormat.

I'm no supernatural being so I don't know what was going on with the person I always had a fancy for, but if my original intuition with her is correct, that is, she may ignore me if she does has a boyfriend, people may not all suck then but people coupled early on in life, like that crush, often just use it as a stepping stone to narcississm and shutting out everything that can even come close as a threat to their relationship. No friends outside their SO. I guess the saying "Men and women can't be friends" is true as the deep blue. Thank goodness that I don't have to deal with that suffocating leash and rabbit hole known as dating and marriage at the moment. Maybe "being yourself" is the real approach to life, and it's impossible to try to live someone else's life, but what if no one IRL really loves me for "being myself". I've been rejected so much and I am so busy with other things in life I can't measure up anyway. I'm sorry if I've stepped on toes or have taken up ST or anybody's time with this reply but this has been what I've summed my feelings up to be and really haven't articulated them well at all until now, and still don't know if I'll be able to get out of this cycle.