Ok - so I was diagnosed with PTSD a long time ago. I also worked through many issues and thus was deemed "cured" - though it still pops up from time to time but not (usually) on as extreme an intensity. Because of that, I have decided PTSD never truly goes away - but it "dims out" enough it no longer disrupts you as much.
Problem is - this morning I woke up in terror from a dream about a memory of something I had been told I had "worked through". Thing was - this time - I realized something about it I had not earlier. It scared me .. it still does.
See, at one point - when I was 16 - my father n I were having yet another argument about my boyfriend. He did not like him bc he was not "smart enough" (I was in advanced classes, he was in the learning disabled classes) and his family was "too poor" (we were middle class and Dad was in Navy, they were poor survived by getting food that no longer could be sold and his dad did car repair from his home). My Dad started asking me questions n then when I would try to answer, he would tell me to shut up - so I would. This went on about 3 times. Then after more yelling, he says to me "by the way, you never answered my question." I said "which question was that Dad" he repeated the first. I said "well - I tried to - you told me to shut up, so I did. Which do you want me to do? Answer? Or shut up? I can't do both."
With that he smacked me across the face so hard it bounced twice back n forth.
I started staring off into the mirror in front of me.
He asked if I wanted another one.
I said "if it'll make you feel better Dad, go ahead."
He did.
That pissed me off.
We were in his bedroom this entire time n he was lying propped up on pillows under the covers. - When he smacked me that second time, I hauled off and smacked his leg (which was under blankets)
That pissed him off enough he flew out of bed, grabbed me, picked me up, threw me on bed, pushed me down, climbed on top of me, pinned me down n started shaking me n yelling at me ..
I always remembered all that.
What I realized though - I thought he was on all fours over top of me shaking me. That would not be possible to do and maintain balance.
Which - gives creedence to why I remember being scared he was going to
- he was sitting atop me, in a military defensive hand to hand combat move. My dad was in full rage that day - now I wonder - did he want
? And - that makes my stepmom's comment (which I previously just saw as cruel) honestly horrific
I don't know who to talk to about this but it honestly has my PTSD on this and my
that are unrelated to my father in any way popping up all over the place.
When I woke - the memory of the dream was still there so vivid I could not go back to sleep even though I was dead tired.