Hi Dazed and Confused,

thank you for the thoughtful reply. It takes courage to be so candid about one's struggles and fears so I think you should give yourself credit. I have some thoughts based on specific things you said. I quote you so you can see the link between my response and your post but I don't want this to feel like having your psyche picked apart. That would be awful, right? Give me a shout if this feels like too much and I'll leave you be

"been a little depressed these past couple of years since life and some traumatic experiences just hit me out of nowhere"

I have dealt with depression and major trauma myself. Sorry if you already mentioned this in another thread but what has your response been to the depression and traumatic experiences? How are you tackling these?
Sometimes a person's response is avoidance or denial. I recommend talking with an experienced therapist if you have not already tried that. Trauma has a way of growing and spreading in our lives when it is not properly addressed. I really value professional guidance in order to begin and support healing.

"it seems as if life frequently assumes romantic rejections and toxic experiences are my fault."

I am not sure what you mean by this...are you referring to other people as "life" or is this part of your belief system...life as a knowing and judging entity? Your idea there is worth exploring. All I can say, without knowing more, is that it seems you are feeling a sense of being judged and blamed. I wonder what the driving force is there? When did those feelings begin?

"people coupled early on in life, like that crush, often just use it as a stepping stone to narcissism and shutting out everything that can even come close as a threat to their relationship. No friends outside their SO. I guess the saying "Men and women can't be friends" is true as the deep blue."

This is a good example of one of the distorted thoughts I mentioned. It's an assertion and judgment that you're making about other people's relationships. People vary. Some partner young and it works out well. Some get divorced. Some people are unhappy and codependent and don't spend time with anyone else. Some develop healthy interdependence and find balance between marriage and friendship. My hunch is that you may have developed this notion because you are comparing yourself to others partnering early and feel that you come up short somehow. (Not my perception of you, I'm just speculating about where the idea came from) So you've found a way to negate them or deem them as narcissists. I point this out not to give you a hard time but because this type of thinking won't lead you to a happier path. There is a very strong correlation between personal insecurity and judging others. The happier we feel within ourselves, the less and less we judge others. With regard to your other point, I firmly believe that men and women can be friends, I've had several male friends down the years. It just has to be the right friend match (not former lovers) with good boundaries. I suppose I am wondering why you want to be friends with a woman you used to feel attracted to but you don't need to answer that.

"Maybe being yourself is the real approach to life, and it's impossible to try to live someone else's life, but what if no one IRL really loves me for "being myself". I've been rejected so much and I am so busy with other things in life I can't measure up anyway."

This piece is possibly the most important idea you shared in your post. This fear is very human and so many people struggle with it. We all want to be loved and accepted as we are. If we don't feel that we have found such love and acceptance, I think there are two factors to explore:
1. what is our attachment style? (this developed when you were a young child based on how your parents interacted with you)
2. are we responding to others in ways which support the loving and accepting life we desire or are there some things we need to adjust?

For the latter, I am not suggesting that you change everything about yourself or try to emulate someone else. But there are issues which all of us need to identify and address in order to find our own peace. Once we have our own peace, we can share it with others and will attract the right sort of partner (another person who is secure and peaceful). I am not going to even try to suggest what you need to work on D&C. That would be something to talk through with a good therapist. I think you may be surprised by how beneficial that can be. I have done it myself. If you truly feel that you are repeatedly being rejected, then that is something to explore. Just be careful about jumping to conclusions like "people don't like nice guys" or "someone who doesn't respond to me is a narcissist" You may also like to reflect on the difference between a rejection and a disappointment. The latter feels different, right? I sent a happy birthday message to a girl I liked and she didn't respond. I am disappointed because I would have liked to hear from her. I'll be disappointed for a while and then I'll move on. OR She didn't respond because she rejected me....Everyone rejects me....She's a narcissist who doesn't care about others. Two very different ways of thinking.

"I've summed my feelings up to be and really haven't articulated them well at all until now, and still don't know if I'll be able to get out of this cycle"
Thank you again for sharing your truth! That's no small feat! You say you had not delineated things like this until now. That is a very valuable and important step in progressing. That bodes very well for getting out of this cycle you mention. The only guarantee that things will not get better is if you tell yourself they won't...self-fulfilling prophecy.

Just my thoughts. Feel free to take them or leave them...no offense taken
I continue to wish you peace, hope, and a bright future. Do something nice for yourself today, just because.

Ps. I love your Disney quote and profile name.