My session on Thursday was decent. I came in a little peeved because C and I took the enneagram, and we both got the same personality type and wing. I told the therapist this, and she expressed surprise, which was gratifying. I explained to her about the enneagram and that we just took it for fun as it is not empirically validated. However, I was disturbed at how much the results resounded with me. At first, I figured I might be reading too much into it and I would be able to see myself in the other types, as well. I went and read about them, and this wasn't the case. I read her a few descriptions of my type. She asked what my takeaway was. I didn't want to answer that because my takeaway had to do with weaknesses in myself, and that felt too vulnerable. So I told her my type is the best type. She asked why. I don't remember what I said. She asked what were the drawbacks, and I told her I didn't remember. She said she thought I did remember and I just didn't want to say it. She was correct. She said the things to work on that I had read her from the description sounded good.

This led the discussion into uncomfortable waters. The therapist said she's sometimes not sure what my goals are for therapy. She asked some question that amounted to asking me for my goals. I said I didn't like the question (which I borrowed from one of Echos's writeups). She asked me why, and I told her I like to beat around the bush [about goals], which seemed to amuse her. She asked why that was preferable to being direct. I answered that feelings and emotions are icky and I don't like it. She wanted to know what feelings are icky for me and I lied and said feelings in general, which isn't accurate. She asked what I thought I was feeling right now. I told her I wanted to flee. She asked if that was because of the questions she was asking and because I was uncomfortable. I said yes. She asked if it was hard to think about having something I was working on with her. I told her I don't like committment. She said I may say that, but I've been pretty committed to coming to sessions and if C is unwell, I still show up for that session, too. I said yeah, but I get anxious when I'm supposed to be doing something. She asked for an example, and I gave one. She asked what the worry was, and I told her that I couldn't control myself. She said that I had been controlling myself, though, and wanted to know why that was. I muttered something about being brainwashed, she asked "by me?," I nodded and she laughed. I said maybe there was some subtle hypnosis or subliminal message or something. But then I started thinking maybe she would think I was actually delusional, so I clarified that I didn't actually think any of those things, but I didn't have an answer to her question. She put forth a few of her own ideas about why, which I neither confirmed nor denied.

She went back to goals. I told her C is too wishy washy to have any goals. She asked if that meant I wasn't, and if so, what were my goals. I wouldn't answer and she said I had trapped myself and maybe I was wishy washy, too. I said no, I just don't like sharing my agenda. She said maybe sometime I would consider sharing my goals with her. I said fine, but we don't have to make a whole song and dance out of it. She said ok.

She started saying stuff about how maybe there are things I want to talk about and she thinks I come because I want to be heard, blah blah. She said she wants C and me to understand how things have impacted our life in a negative way, and how to change that. I told her C's life was ruined, but I'm fine. She disagreed and listed the reasons why. I said I don't like that and I want to be fine.

I told her I didn't like how C had come to the previous session. The therapist noted how she hadn't come for a while, which I already knew. She asked if this was about C being the main person, and I told her I hate that phrase. She asked what would be a better one, and I had no suggestions and whined about it being unfair instead. I said I was jealous of C and I didn't want to share.

She said our time was almost up and asked if there was anything else I wanted to say. I said no.