How do I do this? How do I say goodbye? I see you and I don't ever say the words I want and need to say. I love you. I miss you. But I can't say those things because I don't even know what they mean. And I'm so tired of not saying the words.

I know I can't have what I want from you. I want you to hold me close, to stroke my hair, to tell me you love me. I know that what I really want is someone IRL to do those things for me, but I don't know how to find that.

What do I do when my kids are grown? They're already growing away. When it's just me. I just don't feel like I have it in me to find anyone else. I don't have it in me to let anyone else come close. So I use you as a poor substitute for intimacy and care because you're there. And you're kind. And patient. And of course it's just so much easier.

Except that it's not. Because I don't get to have you. So how do I leave? How do I say goodbye? This hurts so, so much.