Vacation over - I don't know what I am feeling all the way around. There's no negative feelings going on.

I am not sure what I am thinking/feeling towards us - the relationship, transference, rupture, and therapy in general. I want you to be mommy. You sort of feel like mommy at times. Most the time it is confusing and I don't understand it. I don't have direct words to describe what it feels like. Right now it doesn't even seem like splitting, it's pea soup confusing, like all the layers of the relationship and transference between us and all the layers of my inner-world/psyche are in bits and pieces and mixed up together. yeah, that's what it feels like - well blended and thick. There might be some globs of cohesion, no really chunks. Definitely, not like a stew or broth based soup where there's distinction between chunks and liquid. Yay, I found words. Now then, does that even make sense and what does it mean in terms of my mental health and this process?

Oh, and should I tell you that I've been playing with my antidepressants again? Right now, I think I'm kind of feeling what my non-depressed self feels like. Maybe I should stay at this level of antidepressants for a while longer? I know I increased the dose so that vacation would be better.

We also need to talk about welcomed, wanted, accepted, allowed, tolerated. I want to be wanted, not just welcomed, accepted, allowed, or tolerated. What do I need from you to feel wanted, for the young parts to feel wanted. You once said that it is ok if a part of me always sees you as mommy, when I finally went there - it didn't feel like you wanted it, it felt like you tolerated, allowed, and accepted it as part of your job. Is that how you feel? Is it that I need something else from you to feel what you really feel/believe? Is it what I really feel? How do I know the difference, and how do we talk about it?