No views n etc triggers off feelings of abandonment bc of my BPD n given this particular part of my memory was new and was truly pushing me to suicidal and self harm feelings on its own - the abandonment issue just made me made me angry .. which is better than usual. Usually I would have given in to my urges. I had actually turned off notifications to this so I wasn't worrying myself about it anymore - but occasionally I checked "just in case".

There truly was nothing to trigger the flashback. I had not been talking about nor thinking of that event and I did not watch any TV that day.

Up until that dream I thought my Dad had simply flew out of bed, picked me up, threw me on the bed, pushed me down, and held me down .. in a position similar to when you are crawling on all fours. But .. he was shaking me severely while he was yelling at me. You can't do that while in that position and maintain your balance..

I remembered how he had me in my dream. It startled me. It worried me. It haunted my mind. So I looked it up to be sure I was right. Yes. This is a military defense move. No, I never learned military tactics - but my Dad is military. He is trained to use those tactics in high stress and dangerous situations - when warranted. He was highly stressed. That's why I am not sure if he meant to . That freaks me out. That particular move .. The normal thing to do with the hands (instead of shake the person) is ... but even severe shaking is dangerous for me bc I have had seizures since I was 15mo old.

Thank you for responding. ❤