SH TW

Not today but Friday
Most of the session was about my urges to SH, why I want to, and why I don't really want to try to resist the urges.
He's gone this week, so I won't see him until the 14th. That was part of it.
All the reasoning and trying to suggest alternatives didn't work, because I don't want to.
Eventually he'd tried everything and there was just silence. I was sitting there hugging my knees and looking away from him, as usual. After a bit of silence he asked me what I was thinking at that moment. That's his usual question when there's silence for that long.

Eventually I said "I want to hurt myself."
After a pause he sounded kind of sad when he said "I hope you don't." It was like he didn't expect that to convince me, but it was the only thing he had left that he could say.
I don't remember exactly how I responded to that, but it did get some degree of reengagement out of me.

This was already towards the end, and a bit later he said something referencing some conversations where we'd discussed before that at some point there wasn't anything he could do because he couldn't make me decide to make changes or whatever.
He said something about it being difficult to watch, using the word figuratively. I was mostly being a smart *** when I said "well good thing you don't actually have to watch"
He got quiet for a second and sounded reflective when he said that yes he was glad he didn't have to watch. That it would be really really hard for him to do. I don't remember his exact wording, and I wish I did, but it was several sentences stopping just short of saying he wouldn't be able to handle it. It sounded reflective/introspective, not like when I ask for reassurance and he says that yes, he cares. More like he was actually thinking about it and acknowledging his own reactions. He sounded almost like he wished it wasn't the case. I guess I'm mind reading here, and it's harder when I don't remember the exact wording, but it was like that even if it was necessary he would have a hard time being able to manage his own personal reaction and he was glad he didn't have to go through that emotional experience.

I keep going back to that moment in my mind. Not the words, but the "feel" of the moment. It's not that I normally think he's lying when he says he cares, but this felt different. It felt like he'd find it difficult to watch in the way one would if it was someone they genuinely cared about. And he wasn't convincing himself to feel that way or saying it in a performative way or experiencing it in some abstract way.
I guess I rationally knew he probably wouldn't be able to watch me hurt myself and be completely neutral and detached, but I was really caught off guard by the degree of emotion expressed.

It almost makes me want to not hurt myself. Because it matters to someone.
But also I hate that I really want to ask him more about how he'd feel because I like hearing him sound genuinely upset like that.
And part of me wishes I could actually see how he'd react to it. Even though I know that's wrong.

I hate that I have to wait nine more days to talk to him about this.