Thank you so much again for your thoughtful replies as always @SilverTrees. I’m really enjoying hearing your thoughtful and insightful take on everything that I’ve lacked understanding in for so long.

That is a good point that you make with things like “putting up with me” and the like. I’ve sometimes thrown that around just as a light-hearted compliment when bragging on special friends but it’s something I’ve included in times of being hard on myself too, which several people have pointed out as well. This goes to show that you are wonderful at caring about others and have made me in particular feel loved even though lately I’ve felt otherwise, and for that I very much appreciate you.

In my therapy and recovery from my painful experiences the process of becoming both acquainted and befriending my confusion and pain the process has been a long one, especially reconnecting with addressing my ingrained thought patterns, but in the meanwhile after breaking free from my fake and abusive “friends” I’ve also rediscovered some true friends who have willingly proceeded to still share friendship with me after periods of non-contact and being sucked into my toxic situations. And the real friends that I’ve found again or have pursued at a deeper level aren’t just the typical casual friends. Even though the true friends I truly have are only a handful, that has opened up a whole new world of bonding and support after going so long lacking it. The most important lesson that I’ve learned from both my smaller-higher quality friends and my closer family members is that perfection is fruitless and that we are all composed of our good qualities, strengths and weaknesses that make us human, which in turn still makes us beautiful in our own unique ways. And I think PC is a great channel that tunes into both our turmoil and successes. It's refreshing to find yet another new perspective on something that has stagnated in the back of my mind, as I have always found difficulty in recognizing I'm not a superhuman where everything is rainbows and lollipops.

Yes, as you’ve inquired about my Uncle Jack he was very close to me, both emotionally and physically. We saw each other at least twice or three times in a month or more, since I could throw a rock from my house and hit his place. My father, Jack’s younger brother, have had the typical sibling rivalries and differences that all came with being family, but of course our bond with him was a bond that can never be broken. Which brings me to my praise for you bringing the possibility of continuing a relationship with him even after death. I’ve seen countless movies and read numerous books with expositions setting up characters that have gone through loss and they still write letters like they would send them, or even in a movie I saw recently (Dolphin Tale) where one of the main characters still talks to her deceased mother and writes letters to her after her passing. And now that you’ve mentioned that possibility there’s a whole slew of things I need to tell him about!

The issue with continuing my family name is one that was only brought up a couple of times soon after Jack’s passing but the first time that my Dad pointed this out to me, it stung me like an attack of African bees. Since that time I’ve hinted at that topic but my parents saying things like “you do you”, or “live your own life”. But of course I can’t deny that very moment when I realized that sinking feeling of being the last person on either side who can carry my last name. Once again you have seemed to read me like a book. If Jack were still alive today and I complained about my lack of luck with romance to him he would’ve screamed in his trademark, Tex-centric voice “Well now wait a minute!!!!” He loved me just as much as I loved him so I think that intuition is more than correct, given that he came from the same side as my father, who has implied the same message. All my Dad’s side of the family is known for their drive for treating others with passion and having a good moral compass.

I always like it when people like you describe both the trend of marrying later and the decreasing divorce rates marrying later than their 20s. I’m starting to see an encouraging pattern here….you’re not the first person who’s mentioned this trend. Why I’ve had my parents, who are both in the medical field and married in their early 30s and my previous therapist tell me that a person’s brain doesn’t fully develop psychologically until their mid to late 20s. This includes the ability to make good decisions. What else does this include? The higher ability to maintain relationships, which of course includes dating and marriage! I’ve turned it into an excuse to feel resentful towards my tradition-heavy university and people within it, which is famous for traditions like “score a kiss with the team” and having a date accompany you to most social events, but I hope as I go out into the world rather than just simply within my previous spheres this can improve for the better.

I agree about that church group. Although that organization was nowhere close to other nationally-discredited groups like the Branch Davidians, my parents and my extended family agree that getting out was the best possible move and even though I still have problems that warrant a therapist and deeper thought into my years of insecurities, people have started to see the positive effects of leaving behind that group, and other toxic people I’ve met in my 6 years here. I haven’t been involved with another church group since, understandably because of that experience and others like it before, but people who have supported me the most have also been accepting of my need to grieve over that group before throwing myself out into a Briar Patch-situation again. And this process of “being myself” and rediscovering myself and what I stand for has been more than beneficial. This includes my boundaries, which can be both for personal relationships and institutions that we regularly interact with.

And yes I’ve been dealing with recovering from my rigid perceptions like “men and women can’t be friends” or the highly disempowering concept of “the friend zone” but when I’ve started to explore my feelings and how to acknowledge them, I found an analogy on a site for what not to say to people with Bipolar Disorder, but it hit home for me. It said that denying your feelings or letting people tell you how you should feel is almost the same thing as saying the grass is purple, it’s just not true. In the same boat I also have been more comfortable acknowledging that I am indeed not in the best shape right now to pursue love until I process my feelings. I’m coming to terms that love doesn’t always equal happiness, as there are plenty of unhappy couples out there and I myself am more comfortable now doing things alone than with a SO but I just hope that there’s a way for me to resolve my feelings about my old crush and resentment toward couples. I’ve also have had a few awkward moments with the opposite gender that has left me feeling glum and wanting to run and hide every time there’s a woman present. I hope it’s not denial but I’m also excited about this time of my life coming up, maybe moving to a new city, or getting involved more in an online job that came about this spring because I’m hoping that it can start to put the distance from the old unhappy self and bring me closer to a new chapter. Although it’s not the same, I’ve found a solace in journaling earlier on in college, but fell out of the habit. Maybe I should pursue it again? Now that I’m 6 years wiser that I was at the start of my uni years I got a lot of reflecting to do! But of course it’s also like texting a friend vs actually seeing them. There’s just something special about what we do or see in person, and this also goes to writing things out vs talking them out.

Thanks again for not merely “putting up with me” but making me feel understood and valued! It’s always nice to find fans of LZ and classic rock. My dad who went to high school and college during the days of LZ also introduced me to them early on and can’t get enough of them! My favs are Heartbreaker, Rock n Roll and Black Dog, but I can consider all of their albums my favs too. There was even a time when Led Zep was all I could listen to!