You really summed up how I feel. My mother too was very abusive. I spent years in therapy, have tried lots of psych meds which are the only reason I can half way cope. I was struck with severe OCD at age 13 which really caused me to fall apart. I'm old before my time with arthritis. This is not the life I've would've chosen but I've done the best I could with it. I find solace in my small circle of friends and my 2 cats. I hope there are things in your life that give you solace too. All my best to you.