Been a while since I've been here, but I'm desperate to unleash some emotions and distract myself, so here I am. The last 30-ish hours have been miserable and I'm well beyond my limit of being able to cope in healthy ways. I have no one to talk to about it personally, so yay for forums...

This is gonna be a long one.

I'm currently writing this while blaring rock and metal music very loudly with my subwoofer almost at max which is giving me a lot of anxiety itself because I hate loud audio where I can literally feel it, but it's so much better than hearing my neighbors have sex. This is the 3rd time I've heard them. The last two times I was on my way to work. First time I did nothing, just left for work like 15 minutes early. Second time I slammed the door very loudly on my way out, again leaving early, to try to make it obvious I could hear them and was trying to disrupt them. This 3rd time though I don't get to escape to work so hopefully the extremely loud and bass-y music disrupts them enough that they get the point.

Hearing them have sex isn't the only issue I've had with them. Their first night here they had what I assume was a housewarming party and played loud music all night and were yelling a lot and slamming into the floor. I assume the slamming into the floor was some sort of game they were playing, because it was often. It sounded like human bodies falling into the floor hard and they were laughing the whole time, but who really knows. I was able to escape to work then too. Before leaving though I told my landlord about it and he was very passive about it, basically coming off as though he thought I was being overly sensitive because he said things like "the last downstairs tenant complained about you making noise too". (I used to live on the top floor, but switched when she moved out because the first floor has basement and thus washing machine/dryer access.) Well, if she did complain about me I never heard those complaints, and frankly I went out of my way to be quiet. I would tiptoe around even during the day time to try not to disturb her with the creaky floors, I always played music very softly if at all and made sure my subwoofer was on the lowest setting, and just in general tried very hard to not make noise. I'm quiet by nature so that wasn't hard for me really. These people are loud and outgoing and just obnoxious by nature. Every time they have friends over it's even worse, and it seems to be about once a week.

So my only chance is to drive them to leave or hope they get the picture and stop being so f-ing loud. I can't afford to leave myself, I already tried looking at other places but none are in my price range or even remotely as good as the place I have now, it's just being ruined by crappy neighbors atm. I'm not asking for absolute silence or for them to never have sex. If they insist on living on the top floor of a house that has thin floors and walls then they need to sacrifice the obnoxious moaning. NO ONE, except creeps, likes hearing other people have sex.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg of my mood right now.

My relationships with "friends" has been horrible and frankly just heartbreaking to the point that I deleted all of my social chats from both PC and phone last night and want to try my best to just embrace the hermit life. I wasn't far from it anyways to be honest, but at least now I'm not trying to fight it anymore since that seems to be my destiny.

First on the list of heartbreakers is the "friend" I posted about before when I used to frequent this place. He's got a lot of issues right now and is just incapable of being a friend. That's just the harsh truth of it, he desperately needs to focus on him for now. I get that, but it hurts a lot when someone calls you a friend and even says they love you as one, but can't be there for you at all. His genuine excuse for it makes it even worse for me because it feels very invalidating, like I shouldn't be upset that he needs to be selfish, but I am because sometimes I need someone to talk to about even minor things, but even that's too much. There's also the usual issue of not being able to do anything fun with him either.

Second up is a relatively new "friend" I've known for a few months now. This dude is a lot like me so we get along great in many aspects, but also that's a hindrance in some aspects (like our competitive and stubborn natures). His worst flaw by far however is his need to please everyone in his life, prioritizing those who demand things from him, even if he doesn't actually like these people. He will rant at me about how much he hates this and that about them and doesn't like them, yet will go out of his way to meet their demands choosing them over me or his other "good" friends. Then there's me who tries to invite him to do things, but gets pushed aside for the people he hates who demand things of him. He, by his own words, is incapable of taking initiative which alone is hard for me as I struggle with being wanted. Last weekend we had said we would try to play games while I was off that weekend since we hadn't in a while, but the entire weekend went by and Sunday night he sends me a paragraph explaining that he has been drained by everyone "demanding" his attention and he needs to be alone for an unforseen amount of time. It was hard to keep my cool, but I thanked him for apologizing. I made sure not to say it was ok, because it wasn't, not even a little. He always makes a big deal about how he keeps his promises - "if I say I will do something I will do it" - he repeated this as we made plans because I was doubtful he'd have time knowing all the things he had scheduled with others for the same weekend. He no less than promised and made a big deal about him keeping promises. Now all I can see him as is a liar. It's one thing to say "I'll try", but to not only promise but make such a big deal about never going back on your promises... That's not ok.

Now the third one. This one was the one who baked and then iced a most disgusting cake. I wanted to get back into a complicated game, so I decided to look for a coach for said game. This guy was the first to contact me. We voice chatted and he was definitely surprised I was a girl, you could hear it in his voice. (I don't go around advertising that I am because I don't want the horny little boys adding me because they want to play with a girl.) He didn't get creepy at all so it was fine. We got along very well and found out we had more games in common, two of which I have an impossible time finding people to play with. We played one of those other games and it was great. Lots of friendly banter from both of us, good conversations, it felt really relaxed and easy to talk to him. Fast forward to yesterday afternoon, we're playing the difficult game again and I'm a bit frustrated with the weapon modding system. I'm being a tad negative, sure, but he said it was fine and tried to help me figure it out. He was really nice and gave me a few resources to help me. He's supposed to be coaching me on this game remember, so I'd expect him to help in these areas. Suddenly he leaves voice. I thought it was just him disconnecting because his internet isn't fantastic, so I kept fiddling and eventually played some solo. About an hour after he disconnected I decided so send him a text chat message to see if everything was ok, but because Discord is lovely it told me "your message failed to send because you're not friends, don't share a server, or were blocked". So he didn't disconnect, he blocked me, and I don't even understand why. We were getting along great and I got not hints of him being upset or uncomfortable with me. He claimed to be really tolerant of people being upset and seemed to be so, even claiming he had a friend who was very ragey at games, but apparently that was a lie. I wasn't even that ragey or upset. I even told him at one point he could run some solo missions while I figured it out. I only knew him about 24-25hrs, so he had only our (what seemed to be) good conversations to go off of. I guess they weren't as good as I thought and he was extremely fake because he said multiple times he was having a lot of fun and was excited to have a friend with as much in common as we had.

It's just demoralizing, the whole of those 3 being my so-called "friends". This is the best I can get - unreliable liars and fakers. I'd rather not bother with friendship if this is all it's going to be for me. I'm tired of people causing me more and more pain when it should be the opposite. I try my hardest to be a great friend. Even if I'm feeling awful I still enjoy helping my friends with their problems if I can or just listening if that's what they want. I actually keep promises I make or I don't make them if I'm not sure I can keep them. I don't lie to them, even white lies I struggle with pulling off in the last few years. I try to be courteous and give people space they need and respect any limits they set. Yet... this is all I'm worth to them because I'm not rude and inconsiderate. I'm not willing to be that way just to keep friends, so loneliness it is.