Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes
I think that while it's good to learn about behavior patterns that narcissists exhibit that can be hurtful, it's important not to just decide a person that hurts you in some way is a narcissist. There are different challenges people can have that can result in that person self protecting with behaviors that can seem self serving and cold. Remember, we all have "some" narcissism and that means some people may have certain behaviors that might seem narcissistic but that person is not so much so that that person is "disordered" and not able to have any caring or empathy.
The most important thing to pay attention to is that if a person consistently disrespects your personal boundaries, despite your effort to express your boundaries then it's best to distance yourself from this person.
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Well, I have a few threads going on this situation. This person exhibits all the very classic traits of a toxic narcissist...never apologizes, gaslights, cannot take any criticism yet dishes it out, refuses therapy, has substance abuse issues with alcohol (new), hmmm...triangulates, lies, vanishes with silent treatment than reappears, hoovering, love bombing with gifts and cards. No, it is quite classic. However, they are a covert narcissist and that can be tricky because they appear to be empathic but really are the opposite.
I haven't just decided that someone is a narcissist because they hurt me. This is a decades long friendship and I have co-dependently tried to "manage" it and now I am fed up.
But I will say this...it someone "hurts you" you had better look pretty closely at the situation. Family and friends who love me never "hurt me." They may have constructive advice to give...and there may be conflict...but in healthy relationships all always ends well and happily...without lasting wounds. With a narcissist the sting lasts forever and the wounds stay open and keep bleeding.
It is very important to look closely...and yes, narcissists who are covert are a bit tricky. Ross Rosenburg wrote a book about covert narcissists. They can be ministers, doctors, counselors...people in the helping professions who appear very compassionate.
I don't like the phrase "healthy narcissism" nor do I think it necessary for us to retain a bit of narcissism even under duress --- as we should have outgrown narcissism by age five. It should be replaced by confidence, self-esteem...and most of all, empathy. I have found that people with narcissistic tendencies do actually act like five-year-olds i.e name calling, flying into rages when they don't get their way etc.