We got our attendant back. This is her first day back since I started what was supposed to be the "respite" thing. She is here 9 to 5. Since noon I've been in bed . . . just resting.

In the nursing home, my bf was falling apart. He was getting a pressure sore on his butt from spending the day in a wheelchair. I tried to talk him into taking naps on the bed and I tried to get staff to help him into bed after lunch. Did no good. He only got out of the wheelchair, if I went there and got him into bed. He was becoming confused also. Plus he was losing weight.

Now, at home, he is doing much better, physically and mentally. But I'm not doing so hot.

Here's what it seems to come down to. I can put him back in the nursing home, so I can take care of myself. Then he'll go downhill, and I'll be heart broken. Or I can keep him at home. Then it seems like I am losing the struggle to get myself together and manage my own affairs properly. What a rotten choice.

Some may think that's a false choice. I tried to believe that also. I'll keep thinking I'm going to find a way to get both of us into the best situation we can be in. Well, today I failed.

My sleep pattern is all crazy. I'm tired. But staying in bed is not the answer.