&#@$!!!!!!!!!

I just read this post again. Aside from the typos, I still feel exactly the same way, if not worse. It's been 2 weeks since I wrote that, and I don't feel any better. I feel worse. I can't handle this. I know I have to feel this pain, and not suppress it, not distract myself from it, just let it hit me and find a way to live through it. But I can't. It hurts so much. Every day is such a struggle to get through. I have no joy in my life - nothing even coming close. I feel so hopeless. I don't know how I'm going to make it.

I still haven't received a reply from the ex. It's not worth getting into the details here, but we've had some contact over the last month - essentially saying that there are things each of us need to say to each other, but aren't ready yet. Well, I wrote to him 2 1/2 weeks ago, saying various things - I felt like I was really putting myself out there, more than I have since this all first happened. I even suggested we have a session with our therapists to talk about some of this stuff. Still no reply from him. And it really hurts.

I can't even get angry with him about it. I want to, but I can't. His first contact with me (on V-day!) really softened me, and the anger isn't as present anymore. It's just pain. He has said that my emails to him have stirred up a lot of emotions in him and he needs time to process them - and that was from emails where I didn't feel I really said anything much. This last one was probably more difficult to hear for him, so a delayed response isn't surprising. But still, I need to hear something. I put myself out there and I'm just hanging now. At least a "I'm still thinking about what you said. I'll write soon." But no, not even that much.

So now, for the last 2 1/2 weeks, every time I feel my phone vibrate, indicating a new email, I get excited, thinking it's from him. I don't know if excited is the right word. I'm just really on edge, waiting for a reply, nervous for it, and yeah, maybe excited by it, and it's exhausting and stressful. I know he'll respond, I eventually. It's driving me crazy. I feel like I'm in limbo. I feel like I can't really move forward in any way, because I know once he writes back I'll be set back again. So I'm just waiting here, in limbo, for this all to be over.

I know some will say I should just sever all ties to him completely. I've considered this at length. I want to, but I'm not ready to right now. I really do feel like there are things that we need to say to one another - I want to say these things, and I think I want to hear these things (though I am scared to).

Oh yeah, and I quit smoking. And then I didn't anymore. And I feel like complete crap about that now too.

Jeez - it's all just too much. I can't deal anymore. There's too much to fix and I don't have the energy to do it. I have a lifetime of depression to fix, and also find a way to deal with this major thing that happened, and all the other things that have happened before this. It's too much!! Where do you even start?? Ugh...

Sorry for the whine again.