Interesting. I suppose they can also both happen together. It's almost as if the "things" are in their own drawers. I know they are "there." But I also go in and out of drawers right next to it, for say, socks every day, and don't even look, think or recognize the other drawers as mine and connected. Like, the whole dresser is mine. All of its contents. I can write a book report about all the drawers, their contents, flippantly state "oh and there is this" and "that" but I can't yet feel, grieve, be angry, let go etc. I just wanted to burn the dresser and get a new one.

Detached and compartmentalized all at once.

Recently, someone I am honest with sent me a message about how "amazing" it is that I keep marching ahead, handling medical challenges, psych challenges, etc and that most people would have given up by now.

This made me laugh. Because I don't really find it valiant or remarkable or amazing. I simply go into modes. I told her thanks but I cringe when people tell me that. They don't realize that what can appear like emotional intelligence and resilience or whatever, is actually me going in and out of various drawers.

I don't yet embrace that it would be okay and normal and healthy for me to say, "Wow. I guess it is amazing that I keep going." The reality is "detachment" from pain has helped and not helped for years.

Both of these perspectives are very helpful. Thank you amanadalouise and Amyjay.


FearLess47