Quote:
Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche
But it sounds like you are putting all of the relationship problems on your girlfriend, rather than look at the entire relationship as a whole, which from what you've written shows that you and your girlfriend are fundamentally different and are, sorry to say, incompatible.
Was your girlfriend previously emotionally or physically abused? From the way she responds to your confrontational style, it tells me she has been. Has she been abused?
3 reasons why your girlfriend shuts down the way she does:
1. To avoid being emotionally injured by you.
2. She has difficulty admitting to you that you're not meeting her emotional needs b/c either her parents didn't (they emotionally neglected her, for example), or some adult caretaker in her life emotionally neglected her and taught her that her asking for emotional support is a punishable act.
3. She is afraid you will shame or judge or criticize her when she tries to express herself genuinely to you.
How do you handle criticism? Do you blame the other person for their observations rather than look at how your actions affect someone else?
Or, do you take into consideration that what they say may have some merit, and you are genuinely willing to try to change to accommodate their emotional needs?
If you can't learn how to accommodate your partner's emotional needs, then you will never be in a healthy relationship with anyone.
3 Reasons Why People Shut Down Emotionally - Trauma Solutions |
If it sounds like I am putting all the problems on her, then I am probably coming off wrong. I have my own issues as well that I am working on. But this post is about two issues in specific, so I see why it may appear otherwise. And with this issue in particular, I cannot do much besides sit and wait when she goes silent. I am trying to find other resources and insight to understand why she behaves the way she does. Since we're in a relationship, it's both of our problem.
However, this is an issue that we both agreed we needed to overcome--did I mention that she WANTS to be able to express herself better? She has asked me to help her overcome her silent reaction because it bothers her as well. It bothers her a lot. I am not forcing anything and again, I love her for who she is and am not trying to change her.
We are not incompatible, as we enjoy a lot of our time together and only have several issues, with this being one of them. It is a bit presumptuous and rude for you to say that with very little knowledge of our relationship overall. Sorry if I'm coming off as mean, but this is how I feel. Also, I'm sorry if I gave any misinformation or made it seem as though we are unhappy together, because as a whole we are very happy. As a poster said previously, no couple is 100% perfect for each other.
I am always looking to improve myself both in a relationship and out of it. I'm willing to make compromises over any issue we have. I really want both of us to be happy--that's the goal. Sorry if I'm coming off as a bit angry, but this post struck me as having a bad tone. Especially that last line--what makes you believe I am not trying to make her happy and accommodate her? If there is something I need to change about how I approach her, and that will help her communicate more effectively, I am 100% on board. I want to hear what she has to say so that any future conflicts can be resolved with respect to both of our inputs and feelings.
I often try to see if I am the one causing her shut downs. I check myself--do I sound angry or upset, am I I in a bad mood? But this issue arises whenever I bring up a conversation that isn't comfortable, something that's been bothering me or something that she seems upset about. As soon as I bring it up, she shuts down, and I'm not sure what to do--that's why I posted here and have been researching. She WANTS to be able to communicate--it is a problem she's had in other relationships as well.
And she has never been abused. She might have been slightly alone as a kid, as her siblings are more needy than she is, but she was not neglected or anything. Thank you for your insight and the website you linked.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky
I'm afraid I must agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could, ssintas!  There's no point in trying to change her! I completely agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could about trying out couple counselling if you haven't already, ssintas! I feel like that may be REALLY helpful to BOTH of you! It IS important to reach a compromise if you want to efficiently communicate! Communication is a VERY important aspect in EVERY relationship after all! I hope you'll BOTH be able to work it out and to get through all of this! Relationships are not easy, but if you DO get some help I'm SURE that you'll get out of all of this and that you'll be able to live the happy, fulfilling relationship that you're BOTH looking for and that you BOTH need and deserve, ssintas!  Just try to stick with it and to HANG ON as much as you possibly can, ok?  We'll be here for you! I PROMISE YOU THAT! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL FOT HAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!!!!! Remember that we're here for you if you need it, ssintas! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let us know if there's ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL that we can do to HELP YOU OUT! Just LET US KNOW and MENTION IT and we'll DO EVERYTHING WE POSSIBLY CAN and we'll TRY TO DO OUR BEST to HELP YOU BOTH OUT! I PROMISE YOU THAT! PLEASE REMEMBER ALL OF THAT BECAUSE IT IS TRUE!!!!! WISH YOU GOOD LUCK!!!!! Let us know how it goes, ok? We DO want to know how things are going for BOTH of you and if things are getting ANY better for BOTH OF YOU! Sending many hugs to you and your girlfriend, ssintas!   |
Haha thank you for the support <3 Again, I'm not trying to change her, it's an issue she's expressed wanting to resolve as well. But I am definitely one to stick with a person through all types of stuff, so I'm sure we will be just fine
Thanks so much.